


Weight of Living

by punkdestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Death, Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, Existentialism, F/F, F/M, Hipster Dean, Homophobia, Love, M/M, Punk Castiel, Romance, Stars, Tattooed Castiel, Tattoos, Tension, punk!destiel, punkdestiel, universe talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-03-25 00:16:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 36,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3789532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkdestiel/pseuds/punkdestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sky had always fascinated Castiel. On some crazy nights when he lay beneath them, he was convinced that they got him like nobody else ever would. Like he belonged there. But he never imagined to find his heaven on earth.</p><p>The story about a lost punk who finds his place on the side of an unsettled hipster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And God is in my head - Cemeteries of London (Coldplay)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, before you get into this story I want to point out that the archive warning specifically says "author chose not to use archive warnings". If any of the standard archive warnings trigger you, I'd advise you not to continue reading or if you choose to do so, please be careful. I've added trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter that could be triggering but I can't guarantee for anything. Just be safe guys <3

Castiel eyed the Starbucks with a dismissive glare. Ever since it opened a bunch of "cool" teens came in looking for the newest and most hipster looking CD they could find. The music store even opened a new section completely dedicated to their taste. But it was good for the business and therefore it was good for him. Not that he'd ever get a pay raise. But his boss was nicer. And maybe a little part of him wished the Starbucks would stay there forever.

Shaking his head he snapped out his thoughts and placed the CD he was holding into the shelf where it belonged. Already throwing a glance at the next CD on the pile in his other hand, he only partly noticed the door bell ringing.

"Good afternoon." A quick smile in the customer's direction and then he was back to sorting CDs again.

In a matter of seconds the person had walked around the small isles and was next to Castiel, so close he could smell his cologne. It had something strong to it but he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.

Throwing on his nice-worker smile, Castiel looked up again while placing another CD where it belonged.

"Hey, I'm looking for a band called Pacific Air. Could you tell me where I can find it?" Castiel did nothing but blink for a moment. Even though this guy came directly from Starbucks (undeniable with the cup in his hand) he couldn't help but appreciate these striking green eyes; nothing like he had ever seen could reach up to them.

"Um, yeah. Sure. Give me a sec." He scurried to the counter and typed the band into the computer. Not like the guy couldn't have looked for it himself. The store was pretty small and all isles were first sorted in genres and then in alphabetical order. Castiel himself had checked every single one of them last week.

"Yes, we have it in store. It should be over there." He pointed to the hipster section. The guy followed him to the shelf where Castiel flicked through all CDs in the »P« compartment.

"Nice bird."

"Hm?" Castiel furrowed his eyebrows at the customer. As an answer he pointed his chin in the direction of Castiel's hand. After throwing a short glance at it, he knew what the guy meant.

"Oh yes. My first one." His fingers travelled absently over his right ring finger; a little bird embellished his skin.

"I've always wanted a tattoo, you know. But I can't decide." The guy fixed his beanie with a quick move at the sides of his head. Castiel's gaze traveled from the little tunnel in his ears over the faded V-neck shirt to the Nike shoes on his feet. Full, spot-on hipster this guy. He reminded him of the Starbucks across and its people. "Well, whatever. Here's the CD. Do you want anything else?" The hipster frowned — confused for a second — before answering. "No, thanks. That's all." Castiel nodded, sliding back behind the counter again.

For the rest of the day he found himself unwillingly searching for a comparison for those god damn green eyes.

**________________________________________**

Castiel looked at the overcrowded hallway and wanted nothing more than to turn around and run back out the entrance of the school. But despite what some other people might thought of him, he didn't want to miss class. More precisely: he couldn't. He wanted to study; uni was the only way to get away from this town. And God knows, he wanted nothing more.

So, he took a deep breath and shouldered his way through the crowd in front of him. But before he could reach his goal — his locker — somebody stepped in his way.

"Where do you think you're going?" Raphael asked, arms crossed.

"Oh, fuck off. I'm not in the mood for a fight." Castiel tried to get around him but he wouldn't give in.

"You got me a week of detention on Friday. Don't think I'll forget about that." A wicked grin appeared on Castiel's face as he remembered the events from three days ago. In geography he had managed to throw a little paper ball into Raphael's open Cola can, which got the attacked boy to exclaim some nasty words. And after he answered the teacher's question if he had to add anything to the lesson, with a "No, please continue with your boring lecture. It'd be a real shame if we missed any of that." He had earned himself a week detention.

"That was a good one, wasn't it?" Castiel asked, still grinning. Raphael only shook his head before going away. A silent warning that there would be something big coming at him. But Castiel wasn't afraid. The little rivalry between them had been going on for years now, so long nobody could really tell when it started. They had been getting into more fights than anybody else around here. It was daily business.

As Castiel finally reached his locker and pulled out the math book he'd need for next lesson, he made a mental note: _don't forget to check out the library later_. He still needed some good books on globalization for his geography essay.

Before he entered the math class, he took the time to eye himself in the glass and although he couldn't really see much, he brushed the loose black strands on his forehead into a more presentable quiff. Another advantage was that the few blue strands he had dyed into it just a week ago were much more visible in this position. Making his hair look like a dark night with blue polar lights.

As expected, only a few students were already sitting on their tables. It was still five minutes till the bell would ring.

Castiel placed himself as always, beside Jo. She greeted him with a nod and a lazy smile, not bothering to take out her earphones. He returned both.  

**___________________________________**

"I've got the concert tickets!" Pamela screamed, waving cards in front of their faces.

"God damn it, Pamela. You don't need to make us all deaf," Crowley grumbled. It was one of the days where he'd actually bothered to show up.

"Yes! We'll rock the crowd!" Ash exclaimed, raising a rock hand in the air.

Pamela sat down in a seat beside him and they immediately started planning out the whole day (and night) for the event. Castiel only listened half-heartedly. He'd have no time. The concert was in the middle of the upcoming exam phase.

He picked at his food one more time before deciding it wasn't worth to waste his time for and stood up.

"You'll think about joining us, right? You promised me!" Pamela shouted after him. He only looked back long enough for a quick nod and then made his way to the library. Castiel felt a little guilty because he already knew his decision. He wasn't going. It wasn't that he didn't want to spend time with his friends or the excuse he by this time believed himself — that he had no time, it was just that he didn't feel comfortable in a large crowd like this. An evening with his friends — yes, okay; an evening with a thousands of strangers — no, never. He was ambitious not masochistic. If he agreed, he wouldn't be able to think of anything else. And lastly his panic would ruin his grades. He couldn't let that happen.

Pushing through the heavy door, he took in the familiar smell of books and felt a soft breeze from one of the windows swirling around him.

With a little smile playing on his lips he went straight to the geography isle. There was something general comforting about the presence of books. Maybe the reassuring that Castiel wasn't the first one of earth. There were billions of people before him and there would be just as many after him. This was a place where his own insignificance seemed to be comforting.

He picked out ever single book about globalization and put them — after his arm couldn't carry the weight anymore — on the floor. Soon he sat on the ground surrounded by piles of books, slowly beginning to doubt that this had been a good idea.

Just then, he heard a soft giggle. He turned around only to see a guy standing a few steps away from him, obviously amused by Castiel's amount of books. His eyes were what attracted Castiel’s attention. He knew this guy. It was the hipster who bought a CD at Jack's.

Castiel didn't really know what to say, so he said nothing and just studied him. He had the hair hidden underneath a beanie again and a barely visible stubble run across his jaw.

"Are you planning on looking through all these books before the break is over?" The guy had stopped chuckling but a smile remained.

Castiel shrugged and returned to reading the blurb he started. A couple of seconds passed before the guy sat down beside him and picked up the first book on a pile close to him.

"What are we looking for?" Castiel looked at him, baffled by his question. Why would a stranger waste his time looking through books about globalization? The guy raised an eyebrow and a grin appeared on his face. Castiel realized he must have been staring at him and quickly looked away, feeling a blush creeping up his cheeks.

"The causes and effects of globalization written in a precise way." Out of the corner of his eye he saw the guy nod and focus on the text.

A couple of books in the guy paused. "I'm Dean by the way."

Castiel looked up and nodded. "Castiel." They both returned to reading and the next time they stopped again (about 10 minutes later), they were finished.

The pile which Castiel would actually lent was way smaller than the other pile. Why did he even bother taking so many out in the first place? But it was far too late to think about that now.

As they were sorting the books back into the shelves an uncomfortable silence settled between them. Now they didn’t need to concentrate as much so conversation would have been appropriate but Castiel didn't know what to say. As always.

"Is this for a geography essay?" Dean asked, sounding only mildly interested.

"Yes." And with that answer the silence was back. It stayed until they were finished and Castiel picked up his books, ready to go.

"How come I've never seen you before?" Dean turned towards him.

"I don't know. It's a big school I guess." And it was true. The school was huge; he saw new people every day.

"Then let's pray to God that I'll find you again, Cas." Dean winked and disappeared in the mess of isles without leaving Castiel a chance to thank him. He'd never have been able to do it in time. Thinking of time woke him up from a stare he didn't even remember falling into and he quickly set off to the counter, not wanting to miss class.

But he couldn't stop thinking about Dean's last words (not to mention the wink). If it wasn't so unlikely, he'd have said Dean was flirting with him. And Castiel didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing. But when he thought of Dean he couldn’t help but think about all of the expensive brands Dean had worn and just his general appearance (the baggy clothing, the fake worn-out jeans; only to name a few things). Within no time revulsion was creeping all over him. No, Dean flirting with him was definitely a bad thing. Even though for some odd reason the green eyes were stuck in his head again. If he didn’t know it better, he’d have said they were haunting him.


	2. We're all too small to talk to God - Behind the Sea (Panic! at the Disco)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick thanks to all of you who left a kudo, bookmark or/and commented! You are the reason this chapter is even finished on time ;D

Castiel threw his shoes to the ground. His socks came just after that right beside his backpack. He closed his eyes and stood still for a second; only inhaling the fresh air, which was mixed with the wonderful smell of the forest nearby.  
  
Soon he began to walk with his bare feet on the grass, letting the silence swallow him whole; emptying his soul from all the junk he found himself carrying the past days. And with every deep breath he felt his problems and worries slip away a bit more. Until he just _was_.  
  
Castiel let himself fall down on the ground and spread out his arms. He looked up at the stars that slowly became more visible as the day faded into the night — letting itself to rest. In this moment he felt like nothing could ever bring him out of balance. He was in complete peace.  
  
Castiel did this ever so often. He would take a different road from school which let him into a forest and right after it, there was an unused field. He had laid here for many hours of his life. Whenever he needed to forget, he came here. Whenever he felt lonely, he came here. Whenever he thought he didn't belong in this world, he came here. It was his little safe port.  
  
On the better days of life he thought this was how heaven would have to be.  
  
Today wasn't one of those days. Even though he believed in God with every cell in his body, he wasn't sure God actually gave a fuck about anything. And to be honest, who could blame him? Seeing the same shit problems for millions of years must be tiring. Seeing the world driving itself into the next wall over and over again.  
  
Castiel took another deep breath and wiped the thoughts away into the farthest corner of his mind. He didn't want to spend the precious time with thoughts about nothing. What he needed was rest, not another existential crisis.

___________________________

"Have you seen in which project class you are?" Pamela asked, her head tilted a bit to the side.  
  
It was Friday, the weekend was already lurking around the corner. Castiel felt the excitement hanging in the air. Everybody got plans (Parties, mostly). He did too. But his ideas weren't involving social interaction. Well, except his work shift later. Other than that they mainly consisted of reading, and writing his stupid geography essay. He started on Monday like he had planned but it was a huge topic and difficult to cover in only 5.000 words. He had to be precise.  
  
"Is it already out?" Castiel bit in his hamburger.  
  
"Yes! Since this morning! Nobody talks about anything else, how could you have missed that?" Pamela laughed.  
  
"I got into 'Water is Energy'. It's about hydroelectric plants, sounded kinda fun to experiment with that." Ash shrugged.  
  
"I should have a look. Catch you guys in Biology?" Castiel asked, already standing up.

  
His eyes searched over the paper sheets. He fiddled with his eyebrow piercing while trying to find his name in the mass. The whole pin-board was swallowed by papers. But Castiel couldn't find his name. It were just too many. This school really needed a better organizing system.  
  
"Novak. Castiel Novak. I like it. Sounds posh." Castiel flicked his head immediately to the site but before he even saw Dean, he knew this voice belonged to him.  
Castiel raised an eyebrow and Dean just pointed a finger at one of the papers.  
  
"This is gonna be a great week." Dean smirked and Castiel felt his heart beat speeding up. He quickly looked away onto the sheet Dean had pointed at. And there was his name. He got into "Water in Literature and Art".  
  
"Yes," He whispered. It was exactly the course he wanted to be in. After all he had to spend a week in it. So called "Project weeks" were a thing his school did once every two years. Basically, you had to spend four days working in a project class to the topic that was chosen (this year it was water) and on the fifth day you present your fellow students what you did. Those days were never really exciting but at least the normal class schedule got cancelled for the time.  
  
"And guess who you have the luck to be spending next week, with." Dean grinned and pointed at his own name.  
  
"Winchester. Dean Winchester. I like it. Sounds sexy." Castiel's eyes jerked open. He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. But Dean just chuckled.  
  
"So, how is the geography essay going?" A group of people tried to get around them to get a view at the board, so they moved to a side where they wouldn't disturb anyone. (Actually it was Castiel who moved, not wanting to annoy anybody and Dean just followed.)  
  
"Good." And because he felt the need to add something, he said: "And thanks for you help! I totally forgot to thank you on Monday."  
  
"Well I had an intention." Dean winked. Castiel turned his head away but even that couldn't hide the blush creeping up his cheeks.  
  
"What intention?" He managed to keep his voice calm.  
  
"Not in _that_ way. Although I wouldn't mind." Castiel could see the huge grin on Dean's face, even out of the corner of his eye. "But I actually wanted to know where you had the tattoo done. I didn't want to ask last Friday because you were kind of a dick and when I saw you on Monday… I guess I just kind of forgot." Castiel's protection barrier snapped on.  
  
"I can't remember. Some shop in the city." Dean narrowed his eyes. Both of them knew Castiel was lying. Gladly, someone interrupted them.  
  
"Dean! Are you coming? Or are you gonna ditch Math again? Hi, I'm Charlie by the way." Some redheaded girl had appeared out of nowhere and slung an arm around Dean's shoulder, smiling at both of them.  
  
"Hi" was the only thing Castiel managed to say. He was still busy thinking of a lie, just in case Dean would ask him again.  
  
"No, I'm coming. Detention during Project Week would be the worst." He threw a smirk in Castiel's direction. "See you later."  
  
Castiel was left confused. He wouldn't see Dean until Monday that couldn't specifically be called as a "See you later". He shrugged it off, reminding himself he needed to go to class too.

___________________________

It was another lazy afternoon at work. The shop was never the busiest but today was really a new low.  
  
Castiel sat behind the counter, trying to read a book but he couldn't really get into it.  
  
And he nearly jumped out of his seat when a new customer entered; ready to do whatever he was told to do, just glad to be doing anything. But then he recognized the guy. Dean. He wore a Beanie again (he always seemed to). Earphones were loosely hanging around his neck, one disappearing into his V-neck shirt. Castiel had to admit that the whole hipster fashion looked good on him.  
  
"What CD can I get you?"   
  
"I'm not here for a CD. Coffee?" Dean asked, raising a cup. It was just then Castiel realized Dean was holding two cups of coffee. "I wasn't sure what you liked so I just got you a cappuccino." Before Castiel could do as much as blink Dean had crossed the shop and stood beside him, holding a paper cup in his direction. Castiel reluctantly took the coffee, unsure he wanted to drink hipster-Starbucks coffee but didn't want to seem too rude either.  
  
Dean hopped on the counter, careful not to spit his drink. "Nice store. You work here every Friday?"  
  
"Yes." Castiel nipped on his coffee.  
  
Dean picked up the book, which lay upside down on in front of him. "Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe. Are you serious? You read that?"  
  
Castiel raised an eyebrow. "You are judging me? Really? What do you read? Porn?" Dean didn't strike him as the type of guy who would spend more than two seconds at any book outside of class.  
  
"Got me." Dean smirked. His eyes flickered with amusement.  
  
"But you didn't buy me that coffee for nothing, so what do you want?"   
  
"Whoa. Not so cynical." Dean raised his hands in defeat. "But you're partly right. I wanted to know the answer." He placed to book back on the counter again.  
  
"Answer to what?" Castiel asked, although he was pretty sure he knew what Dean meant.  
  
"Where you got the bird."  
  
"I told you. I don't remember." Castiel looked at the computer as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.  
  
"You're a bad liar. But I'm right, aren't I? You didn't get your parents permission."  
  
"Even if you were right, I wouldn't tell you. If you're only here for this stupid question then you can leave now. I'm not giving you an answer."  
  
"What else would I be here for?" Dean's eyes were cold now. The gorgeous sparkle gone. Castiel shivered unwillingly. But a second later his expression turned icy too.  
  
" _Go_." His voice was forceful.  
  
"What are you gonna do? Call the cops? Should I tell them about your tattoo?" Dean jumped off the counter.  
  
"They won't bother."   
  
"And what if?" Castiel wasn't afraid of the thought that his dad might be asked if the tattoo was made legally. The thing that scared him was the police showing  
up at his doorstep. Seeing the place he called his home. And detecting the absence of his father. How long could he keep them away until the CPS showed up?  
  
"Just go, please. You'll find another place."  
  
"I will." Without another word Dean left.  
Castiel went to the back of the store where the employe toilet was and tipped the coffee down the sink. The empty cup went straight into the bin.

__________________________

All the way home Castiel had Dean's words stuck in his head. _What else would I be here for?_ He didn't want to admit it in the hour he had spent thinking about it in the shop, but now he slowly realized that he had thought Dean liked him. And only now he saw how ridiculous this was. They had had like three conversations. Not even about anything important. And Castiel bet Dean was one the guys who flirted with everything that was alive.  
  
He could have slapped himself for being so naive. But there was no going back now. He could just hope Dean would leave him the fuck alone next week.  
Castiel let himself into the small house. Already hearing somebody screaming before he entered.  
  
"Give it to me!" Naomi was running around the living room, chasing Zach who was holding her phone. Castiel didn't pay much attention to them. He closed the door and scurried into the kitchen.  
  
"Have you got the money?" Michael asked, throwing him a quick glance before returning to his newspaper.  
  
"Everything in here." He got out a white envelope and placed it on the table, right in front of Michael.  
  
"Good. Have you seen father today?"  
  
"No." Castiel just wanted to get upstairs into his room and sleep.  
  
"Listen. Money is getting short. We won't make it next month like this." Michael placed the paper on the table, now starring directly into Castiel's eyes.  
  
"I'll see if I can get a job somewhere. Maybe in this new dinner? You know the one which opened last week on the 39th."  
  
"Yeah, good idea." And with that the conversation was finished. Michael returned to his newspaper and Castiel hopped up the stairs.  
  
He shared his room with one of his older brothers, Balthazar. But to his luck he was only in this room to sleep, so Castiel had it most of the time to himself.  
  
He took out the notebook he hid underneath the mattress and grabbed a pencil with the other hand. However, as he laid in bed with his book on the pillow, no words would come. He racked his brain but no matter what, the verse just wouldn't feel right.  
  
Frustrated, he stuffed it back again. But as he tried to go to sleep a couple of minutes later, sleep wouldn't come; as if his head was too full of words.


	3. Well I guess I'll just go home, oh God knows where - After the Storm (Mumford & Sons)

"You wanna work here?" Castiel was standing in the back room of the dinner he told Michael about. Even in here he could smell the burgers and french fries. He shifted under the man's gaze.

"Yes, sir."

"Don't call me sir. It makes me feel so old." The man leaned smilingly on the table in front of Castiel. He got a bonbon out of jeans pocket and threw it into his mouth.

"Sorry." Castiel raised a hand to his eyebrow piercing before quickly putting it down again. He wanted to seem confident and reliable; nervous behavior wouldn't get him anywhere.

"I'm Gabriel Speight." Castiel shook his hand. "Castiel Novak."

"Have you worked in a restaurant before?"

"Yes, one time." Wasn't one of his best memories.

"So, I guess you don't need any training in the kitchen?" 

"No, I don't. It's only half a year since I did it last."

"Okay, that's good. Give me your phone number and I'll see what I can do for you." Mr. Speight handed him a piece of paper and a pen. Castiel scribbled his number down and went out of the building after a rushed goodbye (Mr. Speight had a business meeting, although Castiel wouldn't be surprised if "business" had a dirtier meaning).

Castiel moved along the 39th, channeling his way through the people. He was tired. Even though he never really slept much, last night with approximately two hours sleep maximum, hit him hard. It was barely midday now and he had already gone to the grocery store, cleaned the lounge and applied for a job.

The doors glided open as Castiel entered the DIY market. Michael wanted him to buy some stuff to fix the sink in the kitchen. The pipe right underneath had a crack, as a result more water went in the bucket they put there than the actual drain.

After a couple minutes searching he found the right aisle. This place was huge! And the weird smell put him off more than he wanted to admit.

To be honest, Castiel was slightly swamped by the variety of pipes they offered in this place. He took a couple of them in his hands, as if they'd tell him which one was right, but that didn't help. Frustrated, he turned his back to all the pipes and looked directly at somebody else's back. Normally he wouldn't have cared. He'd have gone home and told Michael to go himself because he didn't have a fucking clue which one he was supposed to pick. But he didn't. He didn't because he recognized the back. Dean.

If it wasn't so unlikely, he'd have said this was some kind of God's middle-finger to him. But he didn't believe God would actually raise a middle-finger to anyone. He had more creative ways of achieving the same effect. And one was standing right in front of Castiel.

He quickly turned around again. The pipes were way more interesting now than they were before.

Should he go up to Dean? No. Dean had made it clear that he didn't want to talk to him. And although Castiel felt like throwing all the mean insults (that he had thought of tonight) at him; he didn't. He was too scared. 

Castiel took a calming breath to release the burning anger inside of him and turned to leave the shop. A hand on his shoulder was what stopped him. 

"Cas?" He stood still, closing his eyes and trying not to let the soft tone get to him.

"Yes?" Slowly he turned around to face Dean.

"Listen, I wanted to say sorry for yesterday. I shouldn't have… you know, said some of those things." Dean adjusted his beanie.

"I guess. But if it's the truth…" Castiel shrugged and because he didn't want to push Dean into denying anything just for pity, he changed the subject. "I should go, tell Michael he needs to search for the right pipe himself."

"You could call him."

"I, uhm, forgot my phone," Castiel lied. The truth was he sold his phone last month. No need for Dean to know about his financial problems.

"You can use mine." Dean had an iPhone 6 in his hands in no time. Castiel swallowed hard. They could have covered so much costs with this thing and here was Dean, holding it like it didn't matter. 

"No, thanks. It's fine, really." 

Dean raised an eyebrow. "If you say so."

"Why are you here anyway?" Changing the topic was always effective to avoid questions.

"Buying engineer stuff for my dad. He's a mechanic."

"Oh cool." Castiel didn't really know what else to answer.

"It was my dream job as a kid."

"It isn't anymore? Why?"

"Don't know." Castiel wasn’t quite sure if Dean was lying or not, but he shrugged it off.

"I really should go home now. See you on Monday, right?"

"You’re _going_ home? Let me drive you."

"It’s nothing. It’s not far. I like walking." He made up every excuse he could think of. Dean shouldn’t know where Castiel lived; not even Pamela or Ash knew. 

"And I like talking to you. So let’s go." Castiel watched Dean picking up his stuff, with a confused gaze. But nevertheless his stomach was tingling all over.

He followed Dean to the check out line. As he watched Dean putting the stuff on the conveyor belt, he couldn’t stop a yawn from escaping his mouth.

"Long night?" Dean smirked at him.

"I never sleep much." Dean’s grin deepened, exposing a wonderful set of dimples. Only then Castiel realized what he was getting at.

"Not that kind! Do you really think I look like someone who gets it going on every night?" Castiel chuckled.

"Yes." Dean didn’t even hesitate.

"Liar. I just have a busy mind, nothing else." Fortunately, it was now Dean’s turn to pay, forcing the conversation to a stop.

"Wanna grab a coffee to wake you up?" Dean asked as they left the shop and pointed at a Starbucks just across the street.

"Nah, I’m fine."

"Come on, I’m even gonna spend you a drink! Let me make up for yesterday." Castiel didn’t need to think about it for long; the alternative would be going already home and this was by far worse than any Starbucks.

"Okay, why not?" Dean smiled and for a second Castiel thought he’d grab his hand, but he only fixed his beanie.

"Next week is gonna be the best school week ever. Mr. Gallagher isn’t gonna do anything with us. We can just sit back and look at all the nerds who work."

"Really? I don’t know him." Maybe the course wouldn’t be as exciting as he wished it to be.

"You didn’t choose the class because of the teacher? Why else would you choose it?" Dean threw a surprised side glance at him.

Castiel was silent for a moment and when he answered his voice was barely audible. "I like to write."

Dean stopped, looking directly into Castiel’s eyes; astonished.

"You do?" 

"Yes." Again, his voice was no more than a whisper.

"Wow." He continued walking. "Would never have thought of that."

"Why?" Castiel grew a bit more confident, now that he knew Dean wasn’t judging him.

"I don’t know. You just don’t look like it, I guess."

"What did you think I was doing in my free time? Smashing drums?"

"Nah, you’re more the silent bass guy." The smirk was back. Castiel groaned. "You know what I mean."

They entered the coffee shop, Dean laughing lightly. 

"What can I get for you?" The young cashier smiled at them.

"An Iced Vanilla Latte, please." And as Dean caught sight of Castiel’s overwhelmed glare, he added "And an Espresso Macchiato for him."

"Sure thing. Your names?" 

"Batman and Mr. Late-Night." The cashier chuckled and wrote their names down.

"Don’t look at me so shocked. Real names are boring." Dean whispered into Castiel's ear and led him to a table in the corner. Dean’s breath on his neck let goose bumps rise all over his skin. Even though he managed to stay remotely calm, Dean grinned at him like he knew exactly what effect he had.

"You listen to them?" Dean pointed at Cas Tee-Shirt. The AC/DC logo was imprinted on it.

"Sometimes. Not something I can listen to 24/7."

"Are you serious? AC/DC is probably the best band ever. How can you not want to listen to them 24/7?" Dean chuckled at the last words, indicating that he wasn’t entirely serious. "What could you listen 24/7 to, then?"

"Coldplay." Dean’s full laugh was one of the most magnificent things Castiel ever heard (and saw). The way he threw his head back and hold his hands on his stomach… Castiel knew he’d never forget that sight. But at the same time the deep, blissful laugh made him insecure.

"What’s wrong with Coldplay?" Castiel asked.

"Nothing." Dean chuckled once more. "It’s just that I never expected you to listen to Coldplay. I was wrong, again." 

"They calm me down." Castiel paused. "And help me sleep." Dean was silent after that. Before an awkward silence could spread between them, the cashier called for their "names". Dean got their cups and payed. 

"Thanks." Castiel said, as Dean gave him the "Mr. Late-Night" cup.

"Anytime." They left the Starbucks, both of them taking a sip from their hot coffees.

"My car is back there on the parking lot." Dean pointed in a vague direction and they started going, a comfortable silence laying itself between them. 

By the time they reached the car Castiel nearly drank all of his coffee. But he had to admit, he was feeling more awake now.

"That's your car?" Castiel stared at the black Impala.

"Not yet. But my dad said I'd get someday. But it's awesome, isn't it?" Dean let his fingers travel over the side till they reached the handle.

"Yes." Castiel answered in complete awe. It took him a moment to stop staring and get into the car. 

As they rolled on the road, Dean pressed some button and the next second Metallica was bursting out of the speakers.

"And I thought you liked Pacific Air?" Castiel referred to the CD Dean had bought a week ago.

"Hell no! That was for a friend of mine." Castiel couldn't deny that he felt relieved. Dean wasn't as hipster as he thought.

"So, where do you live?" Shit. He completely forgot that Dean needed his address to drive him home. How could he forget such an obvious thing? But it was too late now. And before he could make any logic decision, he told Dean the first address (which wasn't his own) that came into his mind. Pamela's.

They reached her house already after a couple of minutes. Castiel got out of the car smiling. "Thanks for the coffee. And the drive!" 

"You can get more of that on Monday." Dean winked. Castiel felt a little blush creeping up his cheeks and took a few steps back, waving his hand. Which he regretted as soon as Dean drove away. Who still waved their hands? Idiots and Mums. That's who.

 

As Castiel was laying in bed that night, his thoughts travelled all around the same topic. How got he so damn close to Dean? Didn't he decide that Dean was a total asshole, yesterday? Why for God's sake seemed all his principles to disappear around Dean?


	4. Please hide me, Lord - Sinnerman (Nina Simone)

Castiel's anxiety grew the closer he got to school. And the more nervous he got, the less he wanted to admit why. Dean probably wouldn't pay attention to him. He seemingly had a billion people he got along with. Why would he talk to him? Even Castiel wouldn't choose himself. Why would anybody else?

He stopped fiddling with his eyebrow piercing and stepped on to the school ground.

Castiel pushed the door open and was immediately overflowed with happy people around him. Somehow project week always got their spirits high. He was excited too, but for a whole different reason.

He sprinted up the stairs, ruffling his hair in the process. He didn't have the time to brush it this morning because Michael burdened a million tasks on him.

Castiel entered the classroom. He spotted the beanie right away; on the back to the right. And as if Dean had felt his gaze, he looked up. A smirk already curling up his lips.

Even though Castiel had planned to play cool and don't sit too close to Dean, he couldn't help himself now. Without thinking he went straight to the seat in front of Dean; feeling a light smile laying itself on his lips.

"Hi, Cas."

"Hi, Dean." Castiel's heart was racing. He needed to calm the fuck down. This was just some stupid hipster.

"Nirvana today?" Dean pointed his chin at Castiel's t-shirt.

"I like Kurt Cobain." Castiel shrugged.

"What about him?"

"His world view, I guess. And his voice is good." He didn't listen too much to Nirvana but when he did he always liked the raw edges in it.

Dean seemed to think about that for a second. "But his world view was pretty depressing, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, partly. But the way he describes his wife and his daughter… It's pure love. I feel like he saw a lot of the world just in black and white, but I could be wrong." Castiel sighed, "What I'd give to talk to him."

"You fancy him?" Dean laughed. But Castiel didn't care about his mocking this time. "Not him." He stared directly into Dean's eyes, not even blinking and he could have sworn that they widened for just a moment.

"Hello everybody!" A man shouted. Castiel turned around instantly.

"My name is Andy Gallagher. I'm not gonna bother writing it on the board. I suppose you're able to remember a name. So, for the start I'd like to play a little introduction game. I haven't really planned anything. Does anybody know a good one?" Several hands raised in the air. Castiel's hope that this would be a good class died. It was already shrinked to the size of a bacterium as soon as he saw Mr. Gallagher with his messy hair and way-beyond-three-day-beard, but now it was undeniably dead.

"Told you." Dean whispered.

Mr. Gallagher decided they'd do a game where everybody tells their favorite word and explains why it's that particular one.

He started. "My favorite word is Liger. It's a cross between a Lion and a Tiger."

"My favorite word is friendship because it's one of the most important values." The girl's voice was squeaky.

The game went on like this row for row until it was Castiel's turn. He had basically spent all the time thinking of a good word, completely missing out on the things the others said.

"My favorite word is the sky because it's able to calm me down every time." The teacher nodded thoughtfully but Castiel guessed by his gaze that he had driven off into another dimension.

"My favorite word is bird. Because birds keep secrets." Castiel tensed up. He was aware of every silent sound around him.

"Very interesting. Indeed." Mr. Gallagher was still nodding. "So, that was everyone, right?" Nobody protested. "Then we should start with the actual lesson. Do you know any poems about water?" Some hands shot up in the air.

Castiel turned his head around, wanting to ask Dean what the hell that just was but his gaze must have said it all.

"It's just the truth." Dean rested his chin in his hand.

"You don't know the truth."

"What is it about that tattoo that makes you go all cryptical about it?"

"Just shut up," Castiel said in the lack of a better answer. It was perfect timing because Mr. Gallagher caught notice of them. But since they didn't say anything else he turned back to the guy that was talking.

****____________________________

"And after the break we're gonna analyze the poems we just read." Mr. Gallagher released the class.

Castiel walked out of the room without even taking a glance at Dean. But of course he followed him.

"Hey, wait!" Dean appeared beside him. "Where are you going?"

"Eating, maybe?" Castiel quickened his pace.

"Really? Because you're nearly running. And as far as I know the canteen isn't that exciting." Dean chuckled.

"Listen," Castiel came to a sudden stop. "If you're still just doing this to find out where I got this stupid tattoo, then you can fuck off. I'm never gonna tell you and this isn't gonna change."

Dean blinked at him but Castiel had already started walking again. He was angry that Dean thought he could manipulate him so easily. Castiel should have known better. He should have seen it coming after Dean left the first time, when he didn't get an answer.

Castiel sat down on their table without even getting any food.

"Not a good start for you?" Pamela threw a worrying glance at him.

"The teacher is shit," Castiel grumbled.

"What did you expect?" Crowley laughed. "It's Mr. Gallagher." She ignored him and asked "Any nice people though?" Her eyes went up over Castiel's head.

"No. Just the usual sort of dicks."

Ash sat down beside him. He wore a beanie today.… Ash never wore beanies. Castiel swiveled around. Dean looked at him. He had narrowed his eyes a bit, as if he was daring Castiel to say something. But Castiel had said everything there was to say. Dean raised an eyebrow. "Usual sort of dicks? I think I deserve better. At least mention my undeniable charm." He winked at Pamela.

Castiel didn't know what to respond, so he kept his mouth shut. He wasn't exactly sure what to think of Dean either and this guy wasn't making it any easier for him.

Pamela stood up and placed her hands in her hips. "You're cute but not cute enough to be narcissistic about it.” She turned to Castiel. "See you later? Or tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow. I need to do some stuff for Michael after school." She nodded, picked up her tray and left.

"Well, I guess that's my call to leave. I can't handle being the only pretty one. That turns so much attention to me, don't you think?" Crowley disappeared into the hallway.

"I think I should go, too." Castiel stood up.

"Come on, you haven't eaten anything."

"I'm not hungry."

"I'm not doing this because I wanna know where you got your tattoo for God's sake!"

"Yeah, well. Whatever." Castiel turned to leave but Dean grabbed his wrist.

"Why don't you believe me? Is it because of how I look?" Castiel wanted to protest but Dean cut him off. "Oh, don't even pretend like you didn't judge me from the second I entered Jack's. I saw the way you looked at me. But I told myself I shouldn't care about some stupid, narrow-minded son of a bitch. And I don't know how I ended up here, but now I do care. I don't even know why but I fucking do. So, stop with all the prejudices and just take me as a fucking person for once!" Castiel starred at Dean. Some students had turned around to them because his voice had gone louder with every word. But Castiel didn't care. He felt both, ashamed and angry at the same time. He wanted to apologize whilst also punching Dean in the face. How did he dare to tell him who he should be, when they barely knew each other? Yet, the thing was, Dean was right. As painful as it was, Dean was right. Dean was _right_. He was so fucking right.

"I'm sorry," Castiel whispered on the edge of crying. He looked to the ground.

"Alright everybody, the show is over." Dean turned to the people staring at them. "Thanks for tuning in, we'll see you again on Monday with a new episode of Dr. Sexy." A couple students chuckled and a moment later the canteen was back to its usual business.

"Let's get out of here." Dean's voice was lower than before. He put a hand at Castiel's back and led him out into the hallway. A burning heat seemed to evolve from the place where Dean touched his leather jacket. But as soon as they were out, the hand disappeared again.

"Look, it's alright. I'm not mad. Okay, maybe a little pissed but not mad." Dean chuckled.

"Good." Castiel felt his chest lighten up.

"Wanna get out of here?" Dean smirked.

"I… I can't." Castiel shook his head.

"Come on, don't be a jerk."

"Sorry. I can't." Castiel turned his head away. Ditching school was treated harder here. Only one time could get you into the principals office. And while detention had no consequences (like showing up in his school register), ditching certainly had.

"Alright. Then let's go and get over with the rest of whatever this class is."

**______________________________**

"Tomorrow were gonna look at… I don't even know. Think of water.  Feel the water. Collect feelings. That's your homework. And now, swim my little fishes." Mr. Gallagher waved his hand in the door's direction. Castiel waited for Dean to pack his stuff. They went out of the school in a comfortable silence.

"I'll drive you home."

"No, not necessary. I can walk. I'm good." Castiel held his hands up in defeat.

"That wasn't a question." Dean smirked. Castiel looked in his eyes — those damn green eyes — and he gave in. He couldn't refuse an offer while admiring them.

"Okay," Castiel said. Dean's smile brightened up at his response.

"We've to drop off Sammy though." Castiel just wanted to ask who that was, as a boy around 13 years old, approached them.

"Sammy," Dean said and ruffled the boy's brown hair.

"Ugh, get off me." He escaped and turned to Castiel. "I'm Sam. Dean's brother."

"Castiel." Sam nodded and they got into the car. Castiel in shotgun.

"So, did you give Jess the note?" Dean smirked into the driving mirror.

"Dean!" Sam shot a quick glance at Castiel.

"Don't worry, he's cool. He doesn't even know that chick probably." Sam sighed.

"Yes, I did give it to her." Dean started grinning over his whole face. Castiel smiled at the sight of seeing Dean this joyful.

"Are you going on a date?" Dean wiggled his eyebrows.

"She said, she'd call."

"Bet she will." Dean was still grinning as he stopped in front of the Winchester's house.

"See you later. And bye Castiel." Sam got out of the car, his backpack hanging loosely on one shoulder. Dean watched until a woman opened the door. The soft breeze was making her blond hair  swivel around her like she was an angel. The generous smile on her face was just adding to it.

"Look in the box on the ground. Somewhere in there's Nirvana." Dean drove back on the road again. Castiel did what he said; not without smiling slightly as he saw the tapes laying in the box. He didn't know anybody who would use tapes these days.

"Got it," Castiel said with a bit of triumph in his voice. He  looked up again, holding a tape up.

"Wait." Castiel's head turned around as his eyes tried to follow the shop they just passed. "That's the wrong direction." Castiel felt his blood freeze. Pamela's house was the opposite way, which meant that they were getting closer and closer to his real  quarter.

"I know." Dean's lips spread into a wicked grin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks you all so much for the kudos, comments and the nice messages on tumblr and everything! You really help me keeping this story alive :)  
> Also, I'm kind of running out of lyrics with the word God/Lord in it that I could use as a title... If you have any suggestions please let me know! :3


	5. You don't believe in God - Destroya (My Chemical Romance)

"Where are you driving? Where are we going?" Castiel didn't want to admit it, but he was close to panicking. He was already planning to jump out of the car if needed.

"Relax, dude." Dean chuckled.

"Why don't you answer my question?" He didn't care that he was being pushy at this point. Panic had consumed his entire body. He knew these streets inside out and his house was only a couple blocks away.

"Because it's a secret." Dean sneered, clearly referring to the tattoo and its story.

"Ugh, shut up."

"I'd say make me but then I can't guarantee that I won't drive into the next house." The all time smirk had returned. Castiel felt his cheeks heat up and as a distraction he pushed the Nirvana tape in the slot.

They passed the street where Dean would have to turn left if he wanted to get to Castiel's house, but he didn't. Castiel sighed quietly in relief. Soon he found himself humming along to "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Dean looking at him. Castiel wanted to stop just as Dean turned his head to the road again. No second later Dean was tapping rhythmically on the steering wheel.

After a couple more minutes the car parked on a grass field at the side. Castiel hadn't bothered asking again where they were heading, so he was eager to get out to see where Dean drove them.

"Don't tell me we're going in there." Castiel hold onto the car-door with one hand and stared at the skate park to his left.

"Why? Too hipster for my little punk?" Dean laughed. "Come on, let's go inside." With a sigh he shut his door closed and followed Dean through the gates.

"You go here often?" Castiel let his gaze travel over the sprayed halfpipes and other varieties of ramps.

"Yeah, it's where we usually hang out."

"We?" He looked at Dean right as somebody screamed, "Dean!"

A girl came running towards them, her blond hair was flying behind her. She jumped at Dean, locking her arms around his neck. He immediately hugged her back and lifted her up a couple of inches above the ground.

"I can't believe you're back! Why didn't you tell me?" Dean said once they were standing again.

"I wanted it to be a surprise." She linked her arm with Dean's, dragging him into the direction of the others. "And who are you?" She raised her eyebrow at Castiel.

"Um, Castiel." He crossed his arms.

She nodded and smiled. "I'm Jo." The three of them sat down at the top of a halfpipe where already some other people were. Castiel only recognized Charlie and so he skidded as far to the edge as possible; one hand fiddling with his eyebrow piercing. What was he doing here? He should go and redeem those coupons Michael gave him this morning.

"Castiel, right?" Charlie came over to him. He nodded. "I guess you don't know the others. So that over there with the blue beanie and the weird beard is Benny, beside him his Kevin, he's a genius. And Jo, well you've met her already." She chuckled. Castiel followed her gaze over to where Jo was sitting with Dean, both laughing about something. He felt his stomach twist and despite the sunshine he was freezing.

"Cool," was all Castiel could manage.

"I like your hair. Did you dye it with directions? I thought about dying mine. Just a darker shade of red, nothing huge. You know, the blue really puts emphasis on your eyes. Oh God, sorry. I'm rambling." She chuckled again and Castiel couldn't help a light smile.

"It's alright. Yes, I dyed them with directions. It was a total mess, but worth it. I guess." He ran a hand through his hair.

"It looks so cute. If I ever dye mine, you have to help me. I'd totally fuck it up otherwise." Castiel only gave her a smile as response. He heard Dean's laugh in the background.

"I should go. I, um, have to do some stuff for my brother." He glided down the pipe before Charlie could say anything and started walking back towards the gates.

"Cas! Wait!" Dean caught up with him. "Where are you going?" Castiel stopped and turned towards him.

"I don't know why you brought me here. Those are your friends, not mine. I, I just want home." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again. "You can stay with Jo if you want, I can walk. No need to drive me again."

Dean looked like he was about to start an argument but something in Castiel's eyes must have convinced him not to. "I just thought it'd be fun. I'm sorry. Jo just came back and I haven't seen her in ages. Her mother is kind of overprotective. Anyway, I'll drive you." Castiel knew as soon as he crossed Dean's gaze that he would insist on driving, so he simply nodded.

"BYE GUYS!" Dean shouted to the others and waved his hand good-bye. Castiel mimed his gesture half-heartedly.

"So, are you and Jo…?" Castiel couldn't keep his curiosity to himself once they were on the road.

"Hell no! Charlie would kill me if I ruin her relationship, not that I even have the power to do so. Jo is head over heels in love with her."

"Oh." Castiel had never wished to be invisible as much as in this moment (and there were a lot of opportunities where he wanted nothing more).

"You jealous?" Dean grinned and threw a quick glance at him.

"No." But his answer came too quick. Dean chuckled, they both knew he was lying. But Castiel couldn't do anything to save himself, so he just stayed silent.

His eyes travelled to the houses passing by outside the window. With Nirvana in the background he let his mind drift off. As he thought about getting out of this neighborhood, his thoughts went to university and this led ultimately to school and the so called "homework". He let out a quiet sigh; he'd have to spend three more days in this class. But the homework made a good enough conversation topic, at least.

"Are you planning on doing the homework Mr. Gallagher gave us?"

"Are you seriously asking me that? I hardly ever do homework." As quickly as the houses were passing by, an idea came into Castiel's head.

"Turn right on the crossroad." Dean furrowed his eyebrows. "Why?" Castiel was tempted to answer with "because I say so" but he decided against it. Dean would probably throw him out of the car or start another argument. And he didn't want either of these things to happen.

"Because today you're going to do homework."

"Seriously?" Dean laughed. "He probably won't even remember he gave us some, tomorrow."

"And what if he does? It's not like this is really difficult. You just have to look at the water."

"Okay, fine. But only because the other option — setting you off at home already — doesn't sound as appealing as spending at least another hour with you." He winked at Castiel.

"Of course." Castiel laughed, probably the first time he ever really did around Dean. Because in this moment he didn't feel anxious or nervous, he just felt _happy_ (as cheesy as it sounded, it was the truth). And it's been awhile since that last happened.

"Stop here." Castiel pointed to the side. A light smile had stayed on his lips.

"Are we going to some river or what?" Dean said as he looked at the forest in front of them.

"Correct." Castiel was already out of the car and walked into the woods with his bag loosely slung over his shoulder. Dean hurried to catch up with him; he didn't want to get lost.

"You know what you're doing, right?" Dean asked as he glanced back to his car getting darker and tinier with every step he took, deeper into the forest.

"I spent half my life here. I know what I'm doing."

"Okay, King's scout. We're gonna grill marshmallows over an open fire later, too?"

"No, I don't have any marshmallows. Do you?" Castiel turned around to Dean only to see him grinning widely. "Oh, that was a joke. Got it." He chuckled awkwardly.

"You're an idiot." Dean smirked. "So, where is that river?"

"We're nearly there." Castiel let them through a couple more trees and a moment later they had reached a creek.

"That's… disappointing. I was expecting something a bit more exciting." Dean laughed and hopped over the "river".

"Shut up. It'll work just fine for our homework." Castiel sat down on the grass and took his notebook out of his bag.

"If you say so." Dean jumped back again and laid down beside Castiel. He looked at him. "You're really gonna do this shit?"

"You've got a better idea?"

"Oh, I've got lots of better ideas." Dean said, sitting up on his elbows and smirking at the blue-eyed punk. Castiel quickly turned to the paper in front of him. He could hear Dean laying down again with a quiet chuckle. Castiel looked at him out of the corner of his eyes and as he saw that his eyes were closed, he slowly turned his head again. A light smile appeared on Castiel's face. Dean looked completely relaxed; the sun was playing in the few strands of hair that weren't covered by the beanie. In this light the freckles on his cheeks were undeniably visible and Castiel couldn't deny the burning feeling in his stomach. Maybe it was in his lungs as well. He couldn't really tell, because his body was warm all over.

"Do you believe in God?" Castiel bursted out. Dean opened one eye and frowned before closing it again.

"No, I don't."

"Why not? Are your parents not religious?" Castiel didn't know what he'd do without his faith.

"They are. Well, at least my mom is. I'm not so sure about my dad." He felt like Dean wasn't finished with his answer yet, so he stayed quiet. "When I look at the world, I just can't believe there's someone out there. And if there is he doesn't give two fucks about us, so what's the point of believing in him then? I'm sure that if I'm ever proven wrong, my handshake will be a fist in his face." Castiel was taken aback by his answer. What reason did Dean have to be so vicious?

"You believe in God, don't you?" Dean asked as Castiel didn't say anything.

"Yes."

"Why?" Dean opened his eyes and sat up properly.

"I don't know. It just feels natural. I don't think he cares either but I'm certain he exists." Castiel let his gaze travel over the water floating along the creek, swirling around and over little stones, sometimes even carrying them along.

"Sounds like you'd want to punch him too." Dean grinned.

"No. I think… I think I'd ask him."

"Ask him what?"

"Why."

**_______________________________**

Needless to say that Michael was pissed at him when Castiel returned home without having redeemed the coupons like he was supposed to. But as he watched Michael leaving the house to do what actually he should have done, he couldn't find himself caring. Because the time with Dean was totally worth it. The pages he had filled in his notebook were totally worth it. Seeing Dean completely relaxed was totally worth it.

Castiel laid in his bed smiling slightly as he went over the words again, which were certainly not about water.


	6. So, when the world ends will God go down with it? - What a catch, Donnie (Fall out Boy)

Mr. Gallagher pressed play on the recorder and the sound of water was filling the room.

"I just want you to listen to that beautiful, inspiring and calming melody. Take your time. If you feel like you're ready, I want you to take your pen and start writing. It doesn't have to be a poem, it doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be anything. You only have to capture the essence, in whatever way." Mr. Gallagher closed his eyes and slowly swung his arms through the air. Some people snickered at his gesture but he didn't seem to care and soon everybody was quiet again.

Castiel played with the pen between his fingers. Any word - any piece of a verse - that came into his mind seemed to be wrong. Nothing _felt_ right. He looked at the other students, who were either eagerly writing or staring into space. A couple of minutes later Castiel found himself slipped into the latter. This was the most boring lesson he ever had. He lost track of time but not in a good way. Not in the same way he lost track of time when he was writing. Not in the same way when he was with Dean. No. It felt like hours had passed but deep down Castiel knew it couldn't be more than twenty minutes.

A tap on his shoulder was what awoke him. Castiel threw a quick glance at Mr. Gallagher (he had his eyes closed) before he turned around. Dean hold a piece of paper out to him. Castiel took it, looking questionably at the other boy. He just grinned and shrugged as an answer; both of them eager to stay silent. As Castiel turned to his table again, he unfolded the paper. In sloppy letters it said, "What did the one ocean say to the other? - Nothing, they just waved." Castiel couldn't stop a quiet chuckle escaping his mouth. Mr. Gallagher opened an eye and looked at him. Castiel froze under his stare. He lowered his eyes to the paper and started writing random words; not wanting to attract further attention. When nothing happened after a few seconds, he dared to raise his head again. Mr. Gallagher had both eyes closed.

Another tap on his shoulder. Another note from Dean. Another pun, "Sea what I did there?" This time Castiel was smarter and stayed silent. But a wide smile was on his face nevertheless. Dean must have noticed that somehow because the next time Castiel turned around, he was smirking at him knowingly.

Another paper, "Water you doing later? Wanna go out?" This time the smile wasn't just because of the pun.

Castiel tried to think of a good response for at least the next half an hour. All he came up with was, "Saltly, I don't have time. What aboat tomorrow?" He gave it back to Dean. Castiel couldn't see his response but he heard a soft snicker, which made the corners of his mouth curl up.

A tap and a note later, "Shell we call it a date then?" Castiel could hear his heartbeat fasten. He was glad Dean could only see his back because an immense blush was manifesting itself on his face. To calm down, he took a few deep breaths, trying not to move too much so he wouldn't reveal how nervous this question made him.

His response was a simple "Yes".

**____________________________**

"Let me get something from my locker real quick," Castiel said, as he and Dean walked the direction of the canteen together.

"Sure. What do you need?"

"Just a book." Castiel led them to the right hallway.

"What do you need a book for? It's project week." Dean threw a confused glance at him.

"For reading maybe?" Castiel chuckled. "Some people read for fun, you know?"

"Oh yes. But I know something that's way more fun." Dean's voice lowered and the seductive undertone was making Castiel's heart race once again.

"You're really asking me to make out with you in the middle of the hallway?" Castiel smirked.

"We could go in a storeroom, if you prefer that." Dean shrugged.

"What makes you think I even want to kiss you?" Castiel grew bold; the smirk still on his face.

"Oh, come on." Castiel raised an eyebrow at Dean's response, daring him to go into detail. But he didn't and shortly after, they had reached the locker. Castiel took out the book (Every Day by David Levithan) and shut the door close again; quickly before Dean could glance inside.

"Anything in there that I'm not allowed to see?" Dean leaned against the wall and fixed his beanie in one motion.

"You can look inside. There's nothing in there besides school stuff." Dean smiled, revealing that he didn't believe Castiel.

"You've lost something." Dean pointed at a note that was laying at the ground. Castiel frowned and picked it up. "Lucifer rises" was written on there.

"That's not mine," Castiel said.

"It flew out of your locker, so I guess it is." It was then Castiel realized. He had been spared the last week. Raphael had threatened him with revenge and it seemed like it was now coming. Castiel chuckled quietly. Raphael would have to think of something better to scare him.

"Who wrote this?" Dean had furrowed his eyebrows together and was staring at the note in Castiel's hand.

"Raphael." He crumpled the paper and threw it in the trash can. "Let's go eat," Castiel said. Dean just followed him.

**______________________**

"So, who's that Raphael guy? Anybody I need to be jealous of?" Dean asked. Castiel nearly choked on his apple.

"You think I have something going on with Raphael?" Castiel laughed. "Hell no. I'd never — " Another chuckle escaped his mouth. "I'd never ever start something with /Raphael/. He's the biggest asshole alive, believe me."

"Not sure I do." Dean was smirking again and Castiel relaxed. It meant Dean did believe him.

"What do I have to do?"

"Make me believe."

"In the canteen this time? How… extraordinary. And actually you still don't know, if I wanna make out with you." Castiel took a bite of his apple.

"Oh come on, you're the one who keeps coming back at making out. And you know, the storeroom is still an option." Dean shrugged.

"Just shut up and eat."

**______________________**

After their class had ended, Castiel somehow found himself in a storeroom, back on the wall. The only thing he remembered was Dean's hand around his wrist, dragging him somewhere.

"You know, I wanted to wait till tomorrow. Be a gentleman and all that crap, you kind of ruined that." Dean smirked and run his hand through Castiel's hair. His whole body was tingling and if Dean wouldn't stop talking soon, the heat would kill him before they did what they were here for.

"You kind of ruin every — " This was as far Dean could get; Castiel had pressed his lips onto Dean's, making him shut up. His hands travelled up to Dean's neck, dragging him even closer until there wasn't any space left. Dean moaned and dug his fingers deeper into the black hair. The kiss was fierce and hungry in a way that seemed like they could be ripped apart from each other every second. As if the world might end any moment.

Castiel swiveled them around so that Dean was now the one pressed up against the wall. His tongue gliding along Dean's lips, begging for entrance. Dean opened his mouth just a bit but it was enough for Castiel to make both of their worlds disappear.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this chapter is so short, but I was sick so I couldn't really write. The last part was to make up for the shortness ;D  
> I don't know if I'm able to upload a chapter next week, too. The whole weekend (and week actually) is occupied with rehearsals ugh. I'll try my best though :3


	7. Well uh God knows I was no chosen one - Work this body (Walk the Moon)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's a short chapter again, but I had no time whatsoever and I'm just glad when all the performances are over on Wednesday. The next chapter should be in regular length again (it'll be about their date ;D ). And thank you all so much for the nice comments and kudos! They really motivate me to keep writing :3

They left the storeroom several minutes later. Both didn't give a damn if anybody saw them (not that they had anything to fear — the school was completely abandoned). At first glance Castiel looked like he always did, one side of his leather jacket not completely covering his shoulder, which he didn't even notice, and his hair a mess. But if you studied him closer, you could see that the corners of his mouth were tucked up and a few strands of hair weren't where they were supposed to be. Dean was easier to read. He didn't hide anything. A smug smile laid on his lips and he was fixing his beanie on the way out. His eyes revealed what had just happened.

Dean's car was nearly the only one left on the parking lot. Without any discussions Castiel went for shotgun.

"Where's Sam? Did we make out for too long?" Immediately as the words left his mouth he felt a blush creeping up his cheeks.

"Nah, he's on a date with Jess. I think they went to see a movie or something. And you know, we can make out for much longer. Just forget your appointment." Dean grinned at him.

"I can't. I have to go there. Could you drive me? It's the burger shop on the 39th," Castiel answered, hoping Dean wouldn't ask any more questions, but of course he did.

"Why? You work there?" Dean pulled the car on the street.

"Well, yes." And because he didn't want Dean to think that he was just doing this for the money he added, "It'll look good on my applications."

"But you already work at the music store?" Out of the corner of his eyes he could see Dean frown; now he had to come up with a really good excuse.

"Um, I wanted a broader field of experience, sorting CDs is one thing but serving people is different." Dean's frown didn't disappear but he didn't dig deeper. Castiel let his gaze drift out of the window (it seemed to become a habit). He was tired. Last night had been a bad one again. There was this pit of guilt in his stomach that just wouldn't go away. It had reminded of all the little lies he had told Dean to keep his background a secret. And even though he should be happy now, since Dean was clearly interested in him too, which is something he always imagined but not hoped for, he wasn't. If all, the feeling had just gone worse.

Castiel rested his head against the window and closed his eyes.

"What are you always doing at night that you're constantly tired?" Dean laughed.

"Nothing, just have trouble sleeping. Sometimes… sometimes my mind is wide awake and there's nothing I can do about it. It just happens."

"Have you tried meds?" His voice sounded worried, which threw Castiel off balance. It wasn't that nobody was ever worried about him, his sleep problems just became such a routine that he forgot it wasn't normal.

"I hate meds." That response made Dean laugh again. It softened Castiel's facial features with a little smile.

"Well anyway, we're here." The car came to a soft stop.

"Ugh." Castiel reluctantly opened his eyes and looked at Dean, who was smiling at him. He raised an eyebrow in question.

"You know, I can keep driving. You don't have to go in there."

"Yeah of course, let's run away from everything and pretend that everything will become better when deep down we know it won't. And eventually split because the only thing we do is fight," Castiel scoffed.

"Dude, that was a joke." Dean's expression had turned serious.

"Whatever. See you tomorrow." Castiel got out of the car, waved and went into restaurant with a fast pace; not looking back at Dean once.

**_____________________________**

After work, Castiel didn't head home right away, instead he went to his favorite hiding spot in the woods. He let his leather jacket fall to the ground and took of his shoes, as always. The sky wasn't dark yet but the brief silhouette of the moon was already visible.

Castiel crossed his arms behind his head and took a deep breath, calming himself down. Work had been hectic and exhausting. Constantly smiling and being friendly to people was underestimated. But the pay was alright, so how could he complain?

The thing that bugged him way more was Dean. He seemed to be on his mind constantly, whether he wanted to or not. And now he couldn't even say it annoyed him, because it certainly didn't. He was past the denying stage, there was no denying after what happened in that storeroom (if there ever really was denying). Castiel licked his lips in memory and when he closed his eyes, he could still taste Dean.

But with every step Dean took closer to his heart, the pit of guilt grew bigger hand in hand with anxiety. At the same time though, he didn't want to tell that stupid hipster where he was from. He didn't want it to be over. Because that's what it would definitely be. He could see it in the way Dean treated his possessions, with a hint of carelessness. He could hear it in the way Dean spoke, without worries. He could feel it hanging in the air. Dean took everything he had for granted and wouldn't accept anything less. He was so unaware of Castiel's background, the fact that he was so surprised about the second job revealed that. No, Dean would leave him the minute he found out. Castiel couldn't tell him.

He took a shaky breath and forced his mind on a different topic. But despite his efforts, his thoughts constantly traveled back to Dean. Like they always did.

 


	8. God only God knows I'm trying my best - Yes (Coldplay)

 As Wednesday went along, Castiel grew more and more nervous. And the more nervous he got, the more Dean started to make fun of it. Eventually school was over and Castiel found himself in Dean's car, driving to God knows where (after they'd dropped of Sam of course).

"You're gonna tell me where we're going now?" Castiel asked, one arm leaning on the window frame, his hand playing with his eyebrow piercing.

"Nope." Dean grinned and turned the radio a bit louder. "Love this song!"

"I don't think I've ever heard it."

"Never?" Dean looked at him, playfully shocked.

"Um, no. Or I can't remember it."

"It's Fire of Unknown Origin by Blue Öyster Cult. Don't tell me you don't know Blue Öyster Cult."

"I… No. I don't." Castiel chuckled.

"Then prepare for nothing else for the next hour." Dean smirked at him and started tapping along to the music on the steering wheel.

"We're gonna drive for another hour? Where are we driving?"

"I'm not saying anything." Dean shrugged.

"Come on, tell me!" The more mysterious he got, the more Castiel wanted to know what he had planned. The guilt Castiel had felt yesterday was buried underneath anticipation.

"Nope." Dean threw a quick grin at him before returning his gaze to the road. Castiel crossed his arms, playing upset. But the brown-haired guy just laughed in response.

Soon the city limit sign flew by. They were leaving town. Where was Dean bringing him? He didn't bother with asking again because he knew he wouldn't get an answer. But curiosity was beginning to eat his mind. He needed something to distract himself.

"You ever thought about running away?" Castiel asked. Dean grew stiff. And when he finally answered it was only one word, "No." Castiel looked at him, eyes squinted. There was something wrong with this response, the tone was off. And then he realized; Dean was lying. But there was more to it. It wasn't just a lie, it was more emotional. His mind flashed back to Dean dropping him off at Pamela's house and he decided to keep his mouth shut. He himself wasn't any better.

"I did. More often than I can remember." Castiel said.

"Why did you never do it?"

"Because I'm not stupid." His response made Dean chuckle but Castiel just continued. "I knew I wouldn't get anywhere without money and certainly not as a minor."

"You're a clever boy, huh?" Dean smirked, the sarcasm dripping through his voice.

"Oh shut up. I was trying to make a point."

"And that is?"

"That I'm out of here as soon as possible." Dean didn't say anything after that. Castiel waited a bit, hoping Dean would tell him the story he had kept to himself earlier. But as he didn't, Castiel once again let his mind slip away to the vision of trees swiping past.

_______________________________

"Cas? Cas, wake up. Cas." Somebody pushed Castiel's shoulder. He squinted his eyes and groaned. Being woken up was the worst. His eyes shot open the second he realized _who_ had woken him up.

"Fuck." He got up properly. "How long have I slept?"

Dean laughed, laughter lines appearing at the side of his eyes. "No worries, it were just ten minutes or something. And the look of you waking up made totally up for it."

"Ugh, let's never talk of it again." Dean smirked, clearly not intending to forget about it.

"So, where are we?" Castiel asked, looking at the new surroundings. The car had come to a stop.

"You never were here?"

He let his gaze travel over the trees and passing people but as much as he tried, he couldn't provoke a memory that wasn't there. "I don't think so."

"It's Central City. It's right next to our hometown." For a second, shock flashed through Dean's eyes. The next moment it was gone and Castiel wasn't sure if it had ever been there or if this was just his mind messing with him.

"Ah yes. I think I've been here with my brother once." He looked at the view again but he still couldn't remember anything. Dean got out of the car and Castiel quickly copied his actions. He stood beside Dean, waiting for him to say something.

"I think it's that way." Dean pointed down a road and they started walking, side by side.

"You're telling me where we're going now?" Castiel cursed himself for not keeping his curiosity inside; he was always patient, always composed.

"You nervous?" Dean smirked.

"Should I be?"

"Makes it more fun for sure." Dean threw a quick smile at him. "But you're not fiddling with your eyebrow piercing so I guess you're just curious."

"You noticed that?" Castiel looked at him, slightly taken aback.

"Is hard not to. It's hot." Dean had a smirk on his face once again. Castiel tried to hide the blush blossoming on his cheeks by peering into a store on his right (away from Dean).

"You can actually see where we're going already." Immediately Castiel's head shot up, eyes flicking over the surroundings. But in the dim light of the upcoming night, he couldn't make out anything special, not even a dinner.

"You're looking too low," Dean said, amused.

"Oh my…" was all Castiel could manage as he saw the Ferris wheel in front of them. "Don't tell me we're going on that thing."

"Why? You aren't afraid of heights, are you?" Dean's voice contained a hint of anxiety.

"No." Dean let out a quiet sigh of relief.

"So, what then?"

"It's for tourists." Dean chuckled at Castiel's response. "Well, aren't we tourists?"

"We're from the city nearby, not sure we're in the definition of tourists." The closer they got, the bigger the wheel grew. And by now it was towering over them like a giant, ready to crush them any second.

Dean hit him playfully on the shoulder. "Cut your sass, you'll love it."

"If you say so." Castiel chuckled.

"You never wanted to do all of these touristy things?"

"I don't know." But he did know. Every summer in their hometown, a carrousel would be opened up and Castiel had loved it to pieces as a child. Although most of the time he just stood on the side and watched the others, the lucky days when Michael was with him and could pay for a ride, were the best.

"Keep telling yourself that." They had reached the foot of the Ferris Wheel and lined up the end of the (not especially long) queue.

"You have some curfew?" Dean asked, hands stuffed in the pockets of his parka.

"No."

"Good." He grinned before paying the guy occupying the wheel and hold the door of the gondola open.

"Thanks." Castiel said and took a seat. Dean sat right beside him.

"You know this isn't actually so ridiculous considering we're currently writing poems about water. What could be more ridiculous than that?" Dean laughed.

"I don't think I've seen you writing," Castiel sneered.

"Oh, you're forgetting my hilarious water puns, clever boy."

"Just shut up." Castiel chuckled and turned his head out of the window.

"Make me," Dean whispered right into Castiel's ear. If he wouldn't have been so surprised, he'd have done it, just for the sake of tasting Dean's lips on his once again because the last time was way too far back. But since he was congealed, he didn't. And with that, the moment was over. Dean chuckled softly and Castiel could feel his breath on his skin; goosebumps spreading over his neck.

But something else caught Castiel's attention. They were now nearly on top of the wheel and from this view you could see some stars shining faintly. He could only imagine what it was like to be on here when the night had completely fallen.

"Glad there's no roof, huh?" Dean said. But Castiel didn't answer. He wasn't even sure Dean had really said something; too enveloped in the sky. On so many nights he had stared up at the stars and they always seemed so out of reach, but maybe they were closer than Castiel thought.

________________________________

"I went to this beach really often as a child," Dean said. After the ride on the Ferris Wheel, they had stopped at some Fast Food restaurant (Castiel's idea) to get something to eat. Now they were just sitting on he beach, gazing at the water while chewing some french fries and burger.

"Sam and I would build sand castles and we had one of these air beds and we always fought about it." Dean laughed lightly. And instead of Castiel being jealous, because he certainly never went to the beach with his parents, he just smiled at the thought of little Dean building sandcastles. He crumpled the empty burger package up and put it beside himself to pick up later. He took his leather jacket off and placed it underneath his head as he laid down, completely relaxing.

Dean continued telling him stories of his childhood and Castiel continued listening. There was no need for him to say something, Dean knew where to be more specific, when to pause and what to say.

At one point Dean must have run out of stories or he decided it was a good time for a break because he laid down beside Castiel and looked at the dark-blue canvas above them. Castiel felt like it was his time to talk now. And maybe, that was why Dean stopped.

"I love the stars. I can't tell the difference; hell, I don't even know any constellations, but there's something so reassuring about stars. Everything in life is born to die and on some days everything just feels so insignificant, but these stars… they're always there. Even after billions of years they haven't given up — not that they could — but they offer some kind of certainty in a world full of uncertainties. No matter if it's a good or a bad day, when everybody sleeps they'll be there. And imagine if they could see. And imagine if they could hear. I wonder what they'd have seen and heard, but even more what they'd answer. And I think, I think they'd tell you that whatever upsets you doesn't matter and whatever makes you happy you should hold onto. Because when you do, it's not a moment that counts it's the puzzle. It's the forest that counts, not the trees." As Castiel closed his mouth, a part of him wanted to apologize for rambling so much but another more important part knew that there wasn't anything to apologize for. Dean didn't say anything for a long time and with every second that passed Castiel grew more insecure, until Dean finally did answer. "I think you're right."

_____________________________

It was nearly midnight when Dean dropped him off at Pamela's house. The whole drive Castiel kept telling himself to be honest, but as they arrived in town all these thoughts transformed into anxiety and he kept his mouth shut. This day had been incredible and he wasn't gonna ruin it.

Just as Castiel was about to open the car door, Dean turned him around by his shoulder with one hand and used the other to drag him closer on the collar of his jacket. The next second Dean's lips where on his and God knows, Castiel could think of nothing else for the whole night except synchronized movement of their mouths with Blue Öyster Cult in the background.

 


	9. 'Cause if the Lord is gonna find me, he'd better start looking today - Benson Hedges (Fun.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a filler but then this man entered and everything got kind of intense. I hope you like this chapter! It gives you some hints at the back story of the tattoo and maybe you can even guess what's the secret ;) I'd love if you guys told me your opinions down in the comments and yeah... prepare for next chapter because shit is gonna go down from now on.

Thursday morning came faster than most mornings. Before Castiel even realized he had slept through the entire rest of the night, he sat in class, facing the teacher. But he was just partly listening, his gaze kept shifting to the door, expecting _him_ to walk through it every moment. Dean hadn't been late the last couple days but that didn't have to mean something. For all he knew Dean could be stuck in traffic or similar. Dean had to show up after yesterday.

But soon the first hour was over and he still hadn't appeared. Castiel wasn't giving up hope so easily, though. He was convinced Dean would come, sooner or later. And later came sooner than expected. At lunchtime, all of Castiel's thoughts traveled around Dean's absence. He kept telling himself that Dean was probably just ill or that he wasn't in the mood to go to school (he seemed like the kind of guy who would do that). But even the simplest of excuses were ridiculous. There was a feeling in the pit of Castiel's stomach that didn't let him go. And this time it wasn't a good one.

Castiel tried to swallow this feeling down as best as he could at the beginning of the next lesson. Because even if it was a stupid class, this project week was still kind of important to him and their projects needed to be finished tomorrow for the exhibition. And so far he only had one poem finished, which he wasn't even satisfied with.

He opened his bag to pull out some sheets of paper but as he looked into it, everything was covered with little, white crystals. It took him another second to realize it was sugar. But he immediately knew who was responsible for this mess. Raphael. Although it was one of his weaker pranks, it was still annoying as fuck. Castiel gently brushed the sugar off of his notepad and pulled it out along with some pens. He'd have to clean everything properly once school was over so he wouldn't get sued for making a mess in the classroom.

It was annoying, yes. But after the little note Castiel had expected so much worse and not a third grade prank. This was just laughable.

 

**_________________________________**

 

Most of the sugar landed in a bin right after school. But these tiny corns got everywhere, even between pages. Castiel didn't have the time to clean everything because he was in a hurry to get to work. By the time he arrived at the Burger shop, he was slightly out of breath. He had run the last mile to get here on time. And the last thing he could afford was loosing his job.

Castiel had already fallen into a routine with serving customers; the nice smile, the polite questions and the ever so often asking if everything was alright. He was just noting down an order as a familiar person entered the dinner. A glimpse out of the corner of his eye was all Castiel needed to recognize him.

"Okay, I'll be back with your drink in a second." He threw some smile at stranger whose order he just took and quickly disappeared behind the kitchen door; his face turned away from the one who entered.

Castiel tried to tell himself that he wasn't hiding but truth is, he was. If he just stayed in here long enough Rose would serve the table and he could work with his back to the person he wanted to avoid. Yes, that was a good plan. Even worth the tips he'd be losing for not serving his customers fast enough. Everything was worth it, if he could avoid _him_.

Rose came into the kitchen, untying her apron. "Could you do table nine for me? I need a cigarette. The whiny bitch at table six is getting on my nerves and if I have to spend one more minute out there I'm gonna smack her in the face."

"Um, yeah. Sure."  She squeezed his arm. "Thanks. You're the best. God sent you straight from heaven." Castiel laughed lightly and shook his head already on his way back out again.

Too late he saw _who_  sat at table nine. But then, it shouldn't have surprised him. Today wasn't his day. Dean hadn't been in school — for whatever reason-, Raphael pranked him and now this.

"Hello and welcome to Gabe's Burgers. What can I do for you?" Castiel said, hoping that if he acted like always the man wouldn't recognize him. Of course, this was just wishful thinking.

"Cassie. Long time no see. I didn't think it was possible but you look even better. The eyebrow piercing suits you." The blond-haired man winked at him. For a second Castiel considered playing ignorant but this was a memory he couldn't be ignorant to.

"Is it you, Ricky? Man, it's been ages." He said down opposite of him and dropped his fake smile, but there wasn't a true one replacing it. Instead he just looked at the ridiculous suit he was wearing and the way he had combed his hair back in order to seem more trustworthy. As if anybody would ever think he was trustworthy. What a joke.

"Yes, over a year. Would have thought you'd call. Didn't want another tattoo, huh?" There was this sleazy grin all across his face. All Castiel wanted was punching it out of his face along with those blue eyes and the cracked nose (which had to be fixed just one time too often, so that he showed the world the fights he had been in).

"Nah, I've been busy. Just no time for another tattoo and my next one would have to be a big one." Castiel winked, hoping if he played nice with Ricky, he'd let him go without any threats.

"Well, if you're ever in search for anything big, you know where to stop by."

"For sure. So, what can I get for you? I ain't got time for sitting around, I bet my boss is just waiting for me to make a mistake." Castiel lifted himself up and pulled out his little notepad, ready to take his order.

"Maybe that'd be better. If you get fired, you could start at our place." The grin had disappeared from Ricky's face and his whole attitude seemed to have switched in a second. But Castiel knew better. The show was over. No nice talking anymore.

"Listen, Ricky. I'm not interested in you, that business or anything related. I'm not as naive as I was. And if you need to know I've been working out and when I look at you, I don't think that you've been doing much of that the past year." Ricky's eyes widened in surprise at the threat for only the fraction of a second before going back to their normal ice cold state. "Don't forget who you're talking to, boy."

"How could I." Their gazes stayed fixed on each other, battling in a war that was long over; the winner clear. Castiel looked down on his notepad. "So? Your order."

"One Coke and um, a Maxi Burger with French Fries."

He nodded. "Will be back in a second."

Castiel disappeared behind the counter, glad to be able to breathe again. He took one of the tablets and put Ricky's drink as well as the one from the customer he had served before on it, and the food the other guy had ordered. The note of Ricky's food was hung up on a string, so the people in the kitchen knew what to do.

As he went around the counter again, he avoided Ricky's table and went to the other customer who he hadn't served yet.

"Sorry, for the delay. Enjoy your meal." Castiel smiled so brightly it hurt his cheeks and placed the plate and glass on the table. The guy thanked him, Castiel's sign to turn to the other customers. He asked nearly all people if everything was alright or if they wanted anything, before returning to Ricky. And the whole time Castiel could feel his death-glare on his back.

"Here's your coke, Rick. Food is on its way." Castiel expected him to grab his arm or something as he turned away but he didn't do anything nor say anything.

Ricky was silent for the rest of the evening. Every so often Castiel would throw a glance at him but Ricky didn't pay attention to him. And Castiel couldn't say he was sorry for it. If Ricky would have stayed silent forever, it'd be a blessing. But just as he took his pay and put the dishes on his tray, Ricky lowered his head to Castiel's ear and said, in a voice thickened with threat, "Never forget what you did for that, little bird." His hand only brushed across Castiel's ring finger but it was enough to make him shiver.

Without another word he left and Castiel simply stood there, feeling disgusted and angry at the same time.

Castiel run to the field in the forest. He stripped off his shoes as fast as he could, stumbling and nearly falling down because they weren't coming off quick enough.  He caught himself last second and finally freed his feet. His jacket was coming off as well. He needed to feel the air and he wouldn't be able to do that with tons of clothing on his body.

And then, he just stood there, staring up in the sky. His arms were lifted a bit away from his body, so that the wind could swivel around him. Castiel wanted to scream. How could everything go wrong so fast, when yesterday everything had been so perfect? Everything seemed to have changed with the absence of one person. And he wasn't angry at Dean, hell no. He wasn't even angry at Ricky. He was angry at himself. Angry that he had become so dependent on a person (be it Dean or Ricky). Angry that he stood here, wanting to scream but the only reaction his body showed were the silent tears running along his cheeks.

Eventually, Castiel let himself fall down on the ground. The field cold on his bare arms. But he didn't care. He tried not to care about anything too much in that moment. Needless to mention he failed.

While he laid there, staring up at the stars, he wanted to blame God. He wanted to blame God for everything, everything that was good yesterday and bad today. Everything that made the difference. But Castiel knew too well that God wasn't the one to blame. God wasn't the one to blame for anything. God didn't decide their fate. At least that was what Castiel thought and he was sure Dean would agree with him. Dean.


	10. 'Cause God knows I fall in love just a little, oh, a little bit every day with someone new - Someone New (Hozier)

"And that is, how you create energy with water." Ash finished his lecture.

"Hey, this wasn't nearly as complicated as I thought it'd be." Pamela chuckled. It was Friday, presentation day. Castiel hadn't seen Dean as they put up their project's booth but he couldn't say he cared. Not anymore. If Dean felt like ditching school, then Castiel wouldn't be the one over-thinking his absence. He had done that enough the entire night long and come to the conclusion that — if Dean wasn't in school today, which he wasn't — he'd just stop by at his house after work.

"Let's go and grab some cake, because I'm starving, guys." Pamela linked her arms with the boys' ones and dragged them down the stairs.

"How was the concert, by the way?" Castiel asked. "It was yesterday, wasn't it?"

"Yes, it was awesome! We stood nearly in the front row. And I swear, at one point the guitarist looked at me."

"She nearly fainted." Ash laughed.

"As if you didn't." She tried to jab him with her elbow but he dodged and laughed only harder. Pamela joined him.

Castiel's smile faded as he noticed Raphael walking directly in their direction.

"Castiel. Did you like my little present?" He flashed him a toothless grin.

"It was laking originality, don't you think?" Castiel tried to get around Raphael but he moved with him, leaving him no way out. Pamela and Ash had stopped walking as well, listening curiously.

"Maybe you'll like my next one better. And because you're a lucky boy you'll get it today. Now actually."

Castiel stared at him, half in fear of what he was planning, half in carelessness. "What is it then?"

"Your boyfriend is here. And I'd better go check on him, if I were you." Raphael's eyes glanced mischievously. As Castiel tried to pass this time, he let him go. Castiel hurried down the stairs, unable to think. But he came to a sudden halt as he rounded a corner and saw their project's booth. Dean was standing there, smiling at some girl Castiel didn't recognize. Castiel's heart knew before his mind accepted it. An uneasy feeling was all over his body, making him shiver slightly. A lump formed in his throat and his chest sunk and rose more rapidly with every breath. He trembled. Unable to look away, he watched as Dean leaned in to kiss the girl. Castiel felt his heart pound heavily, surprised that it worked at all. Tears were dwelling behind his eyes but the longer he looked, the more those tears became tears of rage instead tears of sadness.

Before he could think twice about it, he continued walking in their direction. As they heard somebody coming near, they broke apart. Castiel had nearly stopped again because Dean wasn't even trying to hide the smug grin or the pure hate on his face. Dean knew exactly what he was doing. And he enjoyed it. Contrary, the girl was rather shocked but more of embarrassment rather than realizing what was going on. Castiel had to admit that she was indeed beautiful. Her brown hair played gently around he shoulders and complimented her eyes, which were the same color. And if her beauty had any effect, than it was just making Castiel even more furious. He wanted to rip Dean apart; wanted to shout his hurt into the other boy's face. But as he stopped in front of Dean, he knew that guy wasn't worth it. Castiel had been played and he wouldn't give Dean the satisfaction of showing weakness.

"I think it's my shift now, isn't it?" It took all of Castiel's strength to keep his voice steady and avoid Dean's stare by eyeing the time schedule.

"Your shift doesn't start until another half an hour."

"I could have sworn it started now, but oh well, then I'll leave you two to… whatever." Castiel managed one last glance at Dean and if he didn't know better, he'd have said there was a hint of sadness in his wonderful green eyes. Castiel turned around and walked away, forcing his legs to keep going even though he wanted nothing more than to rest. He closed his eyes for just a second and for just a second all the pain was written so clearly on his face, but a mask whipped it away the moment he opened his eyes again. He was stronger than this. Someone as pathetic as Dean wouldn't get him down. Castiel lifted his chin, just a little, and he pushed his shoulders back, just a little. He wouldn't break.

 

"Liked my present?" Raphael asked as Castiel took his plate with a piece of chocolate cake on it. He didn't need to look at Raphael to know that he had been fully aware what Dean was doing and with _whom_.

"Shut up."

"That's all you have?" Raphael laughed. "But no need to worry, there's one last thing coming. Basically the final prank, because I don't wanna bother during the finals. That'd be cruel."

"Just fuck off, Raphael." His voice was careless and his gaze searched lazily over the crowd in an attempt to find Pamela and Ash. He didn't spot them but he saw another familiar person.

"What have I done to deserve the honor of your company?" Crowley asked sarcastically. Castiel only groaned in response.

"It's because of that squirrel boy, isn't it? You know, if you want to, we can still repeat what we did about a year ago." Crowley winked at him.

"Ugh, don't ever remind me of that again." Castiel shuddered in faked disgust.

"You seemed to enjoy it back then."

"We all have some lapse of taste every now and then."

"Ow, that hurt." But Crowley's grin proved the contrary.

**________________________  
  
**

The rest of the school day passed fast and slow at the same time. Castiel didn't see Dean again and he wasn't sure if that relieved him or made him even sadder. He told himself _Dean isn't worth it_ over and over. But as he stepped out of the building into pouring rain, he felt the sadness weighing down every step. It was manifested in his bones and seemed to follow him along like a second shadow. He just wanted to lay down and let the rain wash him clean of all his worries. But he knew this wasn't possible. He had to work. He had to get out of this stupid town. Now more than ever.

The bell rang as he entered Zack's. Amelia smiled as she saw him enter, her shift was over now. "Hi, Castiel. How's it going?"

"Good, good. You've planned something?" Castiel pointed at the bag she slid over her shoulder.

"Camping with a couple of friends."

Castiel smiled slightly. "Have fun." He waved her goodbye as she left the store and as soon as she was out of sight he let a quiet sigh of relief out, already exhausted from small talk.

Castiel's misfortune got worse as the day continued. The shop was well visited today, so that he was nearly constantly pointing his finger at the hipster section when another one of them entered. He got to read exactly six pages of the book he had brought along. Why did these idiots went CD-shopping on a Friday afternoon? Every other day would do just as well. Castiel shook his head, aware that he was complaining about nothing now. This was his job. He got paid. That's it.

Until the one hipster he didn't expect to see ever again, pushed the shop door open.

"What can I do for you?" Castiel asked as Dean walked near the counter. Not even giving him a fake-smile.

"Cas." Dean's voice was so soft that Castiel nearly broke right on the spot. But the scene at their booth flashed through his mind again. He clenched his jaw.

"What can I do for you?" His voice more aggressive this time.

"Let me explain. I-" Castiel cut him off. "You wanted a tattoo. That's what this was always about, wasn't it? You and your stupid need to show everybody how _cool_ you are. Or were you just trying to prove a point to your father? Tell him he can suck your ass? Oh well, too bad that I'm not telling you where I got it. I never will. And I'm not going to repeat this another time, so stop wasting your time."

"How often do I have to tell you that I don't care about this stupid tattoo?" Dean's voice grew louder with every word.

"Come on, let's be real. Why else would somebody like you end up with somebody like me?"

"Oh, so we're back to the appearance thing now?"

"It was never gone. I can smell your shit-ass privileged family from here. I'm really sorry that your parents care so much about you that they won't allow you to get a tattoo." His last sentence was dripping with sarcasm. "Maybe that chick of yours knows some good parlor. I bet her parents care too much, too, huh?" Dean furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, giving Castiel exactly the pause he needed for the final step. "Go, Dean. I don't… Please just go." Castiel lowered his head along with voice to every word he spoke.

"I wish things were different." Was Dean really looking sorry or was Castiel's pathetic mind imagining things now? He had no time to find out because Dean turned around and left the shop, nearly running. Seemed like he couldn't get away from him fast enough, Castiel scoffed.

**______________________**

Castiel didn't go to the forest this night. All he wanted to was lay in bed and write. But just as he had settled himself under the covers, he realized his notebook was missing. He searched everywhere but it was nowhere to be found.

It was a distressing night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it was clear that the girl Dean was kissing was Lisa ;D  
> Btw, I think this story will have around 18 chapters and shit is just gonna go down from now on. Oh, and there will be some trigger warnings in upcoming chapters, just a heads up. But I'll mention it at the beginning of each chapter specifically.  
> As always, I love to hear from you, so it'd be cool if you'd give me a kudo or a comment or something ;D


	11. And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies - Golden (Fall out Boy)

Too soon Castiel had to replace his comfortable bed with a hard chair. Despite dozing through nearly the whole weekend — he had done school work on some point he didn't remember — he couldn't keep his eyes from falling shut. Everything just felt so heavy; every action like a milestone. He was glad when he made it to the cafeteria, collapsing beside Pamela.

"Cas, what's up? You look wrecked," Ash said, followed by an "Oww" as Pamela probably kicked him underneath the table.

"You want some of my fries?" She asked.

"I'm good thanks." Castiel managed some sort of half smile in the hope of convincing them that everything was alright.

Something peeking out beneath Ash's tray caught his attention. A familiar handwriting looked at him. He pulled the sheet free, his heart stopping. This was his writing. His hands became sweaty but the blood in his veins seemed to be frozen. It was a page from his notebook. It was a poem. The poem he had written the day he went to the river with Dean.

Laying in an open field,

sunlight playing in your hair.

Standing in a dark room,

my favorite grin on your lips.

Sitting beside a river,

amusement lightening your eyes.

Living through the day,

wishing on the stars - day may never end.

Preferring light with you,

over darkness alone the first time.

**  
**

This paper clearly wasn't the original, which could only mean somebody had bothered copying it. But who …

"Is this yours?" Castiel asked Ash.

"Actually," Pamela snapped the sheet out of his hands and tucked it underneath her tray again. "We… Okay, I didn't want to tell you until later but… they're everywhere. I don't know how you could miss them. I'm sorry. I really am. We tried to rip off most of them but we couldn't catch all of them and he even hung up new ones!"

Castiel didn't have to ask who she meant with "he". There was only one who was able to do such a thing. "Raphael," Castiel whispered. For the first time today he was awake. Now as he looked around the cafeteria he saw people staring blatantly at him. He didn't care what they were whispering about or the fingers pointing at him, he was only searching for one person.

Raphael was standing beside a table in the corner, a vicious grin on his face.

"Castiel, no-" But he didn't let Pamela finish her sentence. He was already up and striding up to Raphael. Before any words were spoken, Castiel's fist bumped into his jaw with such a force that even Castiel stumbled a step back.

"Oh, you bastard." Raphael clenched his teeth as he straightened himself up and lunged for Castiel. He tried to dodge but the punch hit his stomach nonetheless. It felt like the three french fries he had eaten were up in his throat now and there was a dull pain near his rib cage but he managed to shove Raphael back. He used the couple of seconds Raphael needed to regain his balance to land another punch; right on the eye. This time Castiel was prepared for the force and stood safe in place, ready to throw another hit. He grabbed Raphael's shoulders and kneed him in the guts. But now Raphael had grasped Castiel's arms, throwing his whole body against him which sent them both flying to the ground. Raphael straddled him immediately and sent one hit after the other right in his face. It was burning by the time Castiel actually managed to twist them around and he could taste some blood on his lip, too. He was just getting started, connecting his fist and Raphael's jaw over and over, as some hands slung around his arms.

"GET OFF ME!" Castiel screamed and tried to wiggle himself free, without any success.

"Enough." Crowley hissed into his ear. "You're making a scene." Reluctantly Castiel stopped struggling and only then he noticed the crowd that had built itself around them. Some were shouting for them to continue but most people just whispered. Whisper all around him. He needed to get out of here, catch some air. But misfortune seemed to hunt him these days because just as he wanted to leave a teacher had banned his way through the crowd and was now standing — hands in hips — in front of them.

They both got detention for a week, starting today. And even though it could have come worse, Castiel was pissed. Now he had to decide between detention and work. The teacher would know if he didn't show up and who knows what the consequences of that would be but he also needed the money. Well, now he had an hour to think about the problem.

"Castiel Novak," he said as he entered the detention room, the teacher didn't even have to ask, Castiel knew the drill.

"Take a seat, Mr. Novak." The teacher didn't even look up from the newspaper he was reading.

Castiel chose a chair at the back right, his stomach hurting slightly as he sat down. His right eye had completely swollen as well as his lip and bruises covered his cheek but Raphael looked just as bad. He sat in the middle to the left, out of Castiel's reach.

He sighed quietly, closing his eyes just a little. Then the door opened again.

"Your name?"

"Dean Winchester." Castiel's eyes snapped open, settling on Dean in an instant.

"Take a seat." The teacher gestured toward the nearly empty room (beside Raphael and him only two other students were here).

Dean nodded and walked in Castiel's direction. He took the seat directly in front of him.

"What are you doing here?" Castiel whispered, before he could even think about why on earth he should care about Dean doing anything or being anywhere.

"I got into detention." Dean shrugged and grinned at him. And it felt too much like Friday never happened. Except Castiel's face wasn't heating up because of some suggestive under in his voice more than that Dean had spoken _at all_.

"Could you just sit down, Mr. Winchester and be quiet?" The teacher's voice was slightly muffled by the paper. Dean did as he was told. But not a minute later a note landed on Castiel's desk.

_You wrote these poems?_

First, he just wanted to crumble the paper and throw it away but after a moment of considering, he wrote back.

_Why are you even bothering?_

_Because- It's not as you think. I wanted to tell you. On Friday._

_Yeah, you made it clear. I got the message. Thanks for your concern._ The next time the note landed on his table Castiel teared it apart. No note came after that.

Castiel had just fallen asleep as the bell rang. He had survived detention without dying of boredom. He could count this as a success.

"Wait!" Dean shouted as Castiel was about to leave the classroom. Reluctantly he stopped.

"What?" He put as much annoyance into his voice as he could.

"I got into detention to talk to you, so just let me speak for a sec, okay?" Castiel motioned for him to continue and he did. "I'm sorry this has to end this way. I know you're angry at me and you have every right to be, but just know that it wasn't fake, okay? These days…" He shook his head, struggling for words. "It wasn't for the dumb tattoo parlor. I had found one before we went out. It wasn't what mattered to me. Just, just keep that in mind when you hate me." Dean walked past him, leaving a stunned Castiel behind. Just before Dean turned around the corner he looked back at him, a wide grin spreading out on his face as he spoke. "Oh, and this poem-" He pointed to one of the papers hanging on the wall "-is a masterpiece." And with that he was gone.

 

 **  
** To say Castiel was confused was an understatement. He didn't know what to think anymore. **  
**

On the way to his locker he kept tearing his poem of the walls but soon he realized, this wouldn't do anything. Anything who wanted to see it had already seen it. There were probably photos of it (if anybody really bothered _that_ much), so it wouldn't do anything ripping these off the wall. But still, in a weird way it was incredibly satisfying to damage all this stuff he wrote.

When he opened his locker, his notebook was neatly stashed upon his other books. Somebody had put it back. Raphael had put it back. He sighed in relief. He took it and another book he needed for homework, and headed home. While he was walking over the pavement, gaze fixed on the ground, he couldn't help but go through everything that happened today. The rage inside him had pretty much eliminated every other feeling but now they were all coming down on him. Everybody had seen the poem, everybody now knew he was in love with some boy (he wouldn't be surprised if they even knew it was Dean). They had seen him fighting with Raphael. Castiel regretted starting it even though Raphael had definitely deserved a punch. But now he was in the focus of attention. Nothing was more interesting than a fight in the middle of the cafeteria, especially when the pretentious guy who writes weird poems is involved.

Castiel sighed. He didn't want people to know his name, he didn't want people to know his poems even more. He wanted to stay in the shadow. That's where he belonged.

And as always, his thoughts travelled to Dean as if it was inevitable. He didn't know what to make of him. If he didn't go out with because to find out where he got the tattoo, then why did he ditch him? Was he not good enough? And the more Castiel thought about the more certain he got. Dean must have found out that Castiel didn't came from the good side of town and that's when he decided it'd be better to stay away from him. Or maybe it didn't even need his background, maybe Castiel himself was enough to keep Dean away.

**__________________________**

Castiel sat in his room. A bin in front of him, his notebook in one hand and a lighter in the other. He had remembered how good it felt to rip his word apart and this method was also really effective to keep anybody from reading anything from this notebook ever again.

He opened the book on a random page, ready to tear a page out but his eyes felt toward one word, one name and he decided this was a stupid idea. This would do nothing. This wouldn't help the pain go away. This wouldn't erase his memory.

And so, he put everything away and went out to spend another night under the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and that things are a bit clearer now, regarding Dean. Also, you should head over to my tumblr (punkdestiel.tumblr.com) because I'll be posting a new little fic there every day, starting tomorrow :)  
> Anyway, kudos and comments are always appreciated ;)


	12. God help me now - Girls (The 1975)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter but guys, you finally get answers! Not directly but I think you can figure this out afterwards. But before you read here's a **trigger warning**: underage lap dancing (and maybe more, who knows). If you wanna skip the chapter because of that, I'll put a non triggery summary at the end of this ;)

Castiel reached the dinner out of breath. He had run all the way from school and was still half an hour late. Gladly, he had Rose covering for him.

"Hey, Cassie. You owe me one." She smiled at him while getting some drinks ready.

"Yeah, you're the best. You can go earlier, if you want." He slid on his apron, still breathing heavily.

"I'll save that for a night I have something other planned than watching Grey's Anatomy." She chuckled.

"Fair enough." He smiled. He had heard the bell ringing in the background and was quickly in front of the counter, ready to do his job. Except he froze as he saw Ricky enter. What was he doing here again?

"Cassie, what a surprise." His voice had an edge to it that revealed it wasn't a surprise at all.

"Please, take a seat." Castiel motioned to some empty tables on his right, his face staying stiff.

"Too kind." He was wearing another one of these ridiculous suits but his hair was just a bit messier than last Thursday. Castiel shook his head unconsciously, cursing himself for even noticing these things.

"Do you already know what you want or should I get you the menu card?" He got his little notepad out as well as a pen, ready to take his order.

"The same as last time." Ricky didn't take his gaze off of him. He was testing him. He wanted to see if he remembered his order.

"Sorry, what was it again? I can't remember," Castiel lied, hoping Ricky wouldn't notice if he just held his stare. But Ricky's face didn't reveal anything.

"You know what, I changed my mind. Just a salad, please."

"Sure. Which dressing would you like?" Castiel was back into nice-server mode with his full on fake smile.

"Yogurt, please." Ricky examined him a second longer before getting his phone out. Conversation over.

Castiel rushed behind the counter, mainly to bring some distance between him and Ricky. He told the chef about the order and went to prepare the drink when he noticed he hadn't even asked for it. Shit. Well, he wasn't gonna ask now. Fuck this job. If Ricky wanted something to drink, he could ask. Or maybe he should play  attentive and make a coke, prove him that he actually remembered his order from last time. Would it be better to pretend nice? With Ricky it was always a question of power and respect. You had to talk back to him enough that he respected you but not enough to make him mad. It was like a game of cat-and-mouse. You had to be a clever mouse so you were too fun for him to actually kill you, but if you were too clever — making him question who the cat was — you were dead.

Castiel made a coke and placed it without a word in front of Ricky. But out of the corner of his eye he could see the smug grin laying on his face.

He served a couple of other customers before returning to Ricky but every now and then he could feel his gaze on his back. But when Castiel looked at him he always had his eyes fixed on his phone.

"Sit down, Cassie." Ricky said, as Castiel placed the salad in front of him.

"I'm at work, Ricky." He emphasized the man's name, mocking him.

"I can wait." This caught Castiel by surprise. Ricky didn't wait for anybody. Unless… unless he wanted something, no needed something. He was desperate. But what could he want from him?

**_____________________________________**

Ricky waited indeed, until Castiel's shift was over. For a second Castiel considered just sneaking out and run away from another conversation with him but you couldn't run away from Ricky. Plus, he wasn't a coward anymore.

"I'm done." Castiel sat down opposite of Ricky, eyeing the empty Cola glass. But that wasn't his job anymore, he was done. Should the other guy clean it up.

"Here's your tip. You did an excellent job at serving me," Ricky teased him and slid a tip across the table that was way too much.

"I don't want your money. I'm not your whore."

"Oh, I wish. What happened to your face?"

Castiel's fingers hovered over the bruise around his eye. He nearly forgot it even was there.

"A fight."

Ricky laughed. "Did you win?"

"Of course. But you're not here to play a worried friend, so what do you want?" A game of cat-and-mouse; he could have it.

"Why don't we go for a walk? I've been sitting here so long, I swear I don't feel my feet anymore." He got up, signalizing this was more a demand than an offer. Castiel followed him out of the restaurant.

They walked in silence for a couple of minutes. Ricky was — intentionally — leading them down a street that wasn't as crowded and only started talking when the only sound was their footsteps.

"I want you to come back." Castiel couldn't stop the laugh escaping his mouth. Ricky shot an angry glare in his direction but continued anyway. This guy was desperate. "You maybe didn't realize this at the time, but you were good at what you did. That is where you belong. And we'd pay you this time. You're gonna be an employee, just like anybody else."

"Like I was the last time? We both know half of your people aren't employees but slaves."

"Keep your mouth shut. You know what happens if you don't." Castiel obeyed. He was the mouse, after all.

"Just come back. This would make things easier for both of us." Castiel saw a hint of capitulation crossing Ricky's face. His eyes widened at the realization. "You're no longer in charge." He couldn't help another laugh escaping, but this one was short lived. Despite the asshole Ricky was, he was always honorable. You could count on his word. Whoever this new leader was, he couldn't be better. Not in an industry which was dominated by eagles, craving power and money more than anything.

"Who's that new guy? Do I know him?"

"It's not a guy." A woman? This was getting an interesting evening.

"She must know me. Why else would she ask you to get me back? But that means… No way. Meg?!" Ricky didn't need to answer, his face showed everything.

"How come? She was just a bartender."

"She's ruthless and manipulates people as easy as breathing. That's all you need." Ricky stared ahead.

"But that still doesn't explain why you want me back."

"The last time I had a look at finances, the club wasn't exactly making black numbers. And as I said, you're good at it. I wanted to get you back half a year ago but she didn't want to risk somebody noticing you're underage. She said she wouldn't make the same mistakes I did."

"And now I'm of age…" Castiel got lost in his thoughts. He didn't want to go back but if Meg was as ruthless as Ricky made her, she wouldn't accept a 'no'. There was only one solution.

"I'm gonna help you get back in charge." Now it was Ricky's turn to laugh.

"You? How? You have no connections, nothing. Or are you gonna convince her with one of your famous lap-dances?"

"We'll think of something. She's threatening you, right? Otherwise you wouldn't be in charge in the first place."

"What a smart boy you are." Ricky's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"You wanna get back at the top or not?" Castiel snapped.

"Yes." Ricky mumbled as it became evident that he wouldn't get away without an answer.

"Yes what?" A little grin was tugging on Castiel's lips. He was enjoying the few power he had.

"Yes, I wanna get back at the top."

"Okay, then meet me again at the restaurant on Thursday. Maybe one of us will have figured something out by then, if not we're gonna make a plan together." Ricky didn't say anything when Castiel turned around to leave. But Castiel knew he agreed. He wanted his power back more than anything. And Castiel would get his freedom in return.

**_________________________________**

Castiel stared at one of his poems. It was one that got hung up in school. Nobody had bothered to remove them all from the walls. Most of them were still hanging there, for the world to see. He had heard the snickering at lunch. He had seen the stares following him down the hallway. But he told himself he didn't care over and over again. It didn't work.

He hadn't seen Dean in school either. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Yeah, it probably was a coincidence. And the missing Impala was probably just broken. Yeah, probably. He shouldn't worry. He could talk to Dean tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow. Probably.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Ricky showed up at the restaurant. He wants Cas to come back into his business. Cas finds out Ricky is no longer in charge and because this could cause him trouble he decides to help Ricky get back in charge. Also, Dean may or may not have been in school. 
> 
> Leave a comment if you want, and have a great day :)


	13. I sit and talk to God, and he laughs at my plans - Feel (Robbie Williams)

Wednesday passed in a blur. The only thing that sticked to Castiel's mind was the absence of Dean at school. Worrying thoughts started to pile up.

**_**

When Dean wasn't in school on Thursday, too, Castiel decided to stop by at his house after work. He couldn't take the silence any longer. And some heavy feeling in his stomach bothered him, putting evil ideas in his mind. Castiel tried to ignore these as good as possible. Not coming to school for three days in a row was just part of Dean's personality, nothing to worry about.

But the feeling wouldn't go away nevertheless.

Ricky showed up at the restaurant shortly after Castiel's shift had started. And Castiel didn't knew what was more surprising, the fact that he actually had come or that he wasn't wearing his wanna-be suit.

Castiel prepared a coke before he went to him. "Hey. You wanna eat something?"

"No, thanks. Listen, I've thought about what you said." Castiel slid in the booth opposite of his. "And the easiest way to get rid of her is, we kill her."

Castiel laughed but as Ricky didn't join him, he stopped. "You're kidding right?" He just shrugged, as if killing a person was nothing.

"We're _not_  gonna kill her. Dude, I'm trying to get into universities, you think they like murderer strolling along their hallways?"

"Aw, little Cassie is going to uni?"

"Shut up, Ricky. That's not the point. Gladly, I've got a better plan." He leaned back, waiting for Ricky to ask what it was but he only raised an eyebrow. "We're gonna threaten her."

Ricky's laugh was so loud some customers turned around to look at them. But Ricky didn't even notice. Castiel kicked him underneath the table.

"She has nothing we could threaten her with, idiot. Her family died in a domestic coal, remember? And as far as I know, she doesn't have a lover either." Castiel thought about this. Meg had commit a lot of crimes but they couldn't exactly run to the police to turn someone in when they were both not free of illegal business. So Ricky was right, they had nothing.

"Give me a sec, I need to do my job." Castiel stood up to serve some customers but the whole time he tried to think of a solution to their problem as he had done the last two days. But he came up with nothing. Except…

"The shop is going bad, right?" Castiel sat down before Ricky once again. Ricky nodded, eyeing him warily.

"So Meg would be happy to trade it for the next available one."

"You can't be so sure. You know I was strong. Maybe she wants to save it. That'd get her respect and awe as well. But I like the direction you're heading in."

Castiel nodded and left Ricky, giving him time to think about it.

At the end of his shift they had a vague idea of a plan. It'd need some calls and some finer scheduling for it to be finished but it was still a plan. They both left the restaurant with a smile on their lips, anticipation prickling inside them.

"Can I take you somewhere?" Ricky asked.

"No, I like to walk." If Ricky noticed the lie, he didn't say anything. But Castiel didn't want to get Dean involved in all this and that was where he was headed.

"See you, Cassie."

"Yeah, see you." He raised a hand in a quick wave before leaving in the other direction.

Castiel's thoughts were quickly overshadowed with sorrow. He went through every possible scenario in his head. Most of them ending in rejection. Saying he was afraid was an understatement. And then, he stood in front of Dean's house. He couldn't even remember how he got here so fast. But the darkening sky indicated he hadn't nearly walked as quick as he was imagining.

Reluctantly Castiel walked up to the front door, his hand hovering mid-air. Doubts entered his mind. He shouldn't do this. He was being annoying. Dean would slam the door right back into his face when he saw who stood in front of it.

Castiel closed his eyes, trying to ban those thoughts and pressed the bell. For a couple of seconds nothing happened and he was just about to ring again as something inside rattled. It sounded like bottles falling over and then the door was ripped open.

A man with blood riddled eyes looked at him. The corners of his mouth nearly hanging down to his lips. Castiel could smell the alcohol radiating off of him.

"Um, good evening, sir. Is Dean at home?" The man didn't move. An uncomfortable silence spread out between them and Castiel didn't know if he should repeat his question. But what other choice had he? "Sir, is Dean at home?"

The man started chuckling as if Castiel had just made a joke. The chuckling evolved into a laughter. He threw his head back and a sound, almost a barking, was set free from his mouth.

"Sir," Castiel repeated more forcefully.

The laugh came to an abrupt end. "The bastard drove away." Castiel tried not to let the shock visualize itself on his face. He knew a tone like this from his area, but here? At Dean's home? He hadn't expected something similar.

"Do you happen to know where he drove?"

"I don't give a fuck where he drove. I'm glad he's gone. That faggot doesn't belong here." Castiel's heartbeat fastened. His hands clenched to fists at his sides. He took a deep controlled breath. He couldn't punch a man, who was most certainly Dean's father.

"Thanks, for your precious time, sir. I'll leave you to your drinking now. Just make sure to close the curtains. We don't want the neighbors to know about your addiction. Have a wonderful day." Castiel stepped away from a rather shocked looking man. Good so.

His fists were still clenched as he was walking down the streets towards his home. He knew behavior like this so well but he had never thought to see it out here. He had been so naive thinking that Dean came from a perfect world. And as he tried to find any reason for his prejudices, he didn't find any. He had no reason to believe it was different here. And yet he had. He had held onto his vision with all his heart. Because if this world wasn't better, what was he fighting for then?

**  
___________________**

Castiel couldn't wait for Friday to be over. He had no ounce of concentration or strength left for school. The double espresso he had gotten this morning didn't erase the tiredness sitting deep in his bones. He had been out until midnight, strolling along the streets hoping to see Dean somewhere. But his efforts were unsuccessful.

As the school bell rang he dragged himself down the streets, on his way to work. At least he could rest there for a minute. He was allowed to close his eyes and breathe and try to forget his worries. Castiel did exactly that as he slid behind the counter, dropping onto the chair.

He had prayed during the night. Not just talk to God like he often did in a way that was only half-serious, but prayed. He knew something was up with Dean, he could feel it. Or maybe it was the meeting with his dad that had made him so certain. But he knew something wasn't right. And it was ripping him apart.

He had prayed for Dean to show up at school. He just needed to see him, see that he was alright and that he was a paranoid idiot. But Dean didn't come. Castiel's hope shrunk even further down. He was a fool for believing praying would solve anything. As if God had ever cared.

The bell above the entry rang. Castiel didn't even bother to look up. He didn't care.

"Cas?" His face went blank. He knew this voice. He had tried to remember it the entire night. Carefully he lifted his gaze and indeed, by the door was the one person standing, he had searched for.

"Dean." His voice came out as barely more than a whisper. This guy didn't look like the Dean from his memories. This guy had hollow cheeks, the beanie nearly falling from his head completely. Stubble was covering his jaw and Castiel would bet he'd lost ten pounds. His lips were nearly the color of his skin. But the worst, the worst were his eyes. The breathtaking green eyes were… They were broken.

For a moment none of them said a word. They only stared at each other. After that, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Castiel stood up and took a few steps in Dean's direction before he stopped himself. Maybe Dean didn't want him after all. So Castiel kept his distance.

"Cas…" Dean's voice broke. But this one word was enough to forget everything about distance. Castiel closed the space between them and slung his arms around Dean, hugging him so close as if he might disappear again any second. And after a moment he felt Dean's arms closing around his waist.

"I fucking missed you. Don't ever do that again," Castiel whispered into Dean's ear. And that was all it took for Dean to break out in tears. Castiel held him the entire time. He felt his tee-shirt dampen in the crook of his neck, where Dean buried his head. But Castiel didn't care. All that mattered was Dean. In his arms.

Thank God.


	14. Serve God, love me and mend - Sigh no more (Mumford & Sons)

 

"I was looking for you," Dean whispered, his head still laying against Castiel's chest.

"Looking for me?"

"Yeah, I was at your house. But the woman said there lived no Castiel."

"Oh shit, I'm sorry. I didn't know-" Dean cut him off. "It's all right. I was angry but… but I don't have the energy to be angry anymore. I'm just glad you're here." Castiel sighed relieved. He was an idiot. He should've told Dean where he lived, he could've been there when he needed him. But still, he couldn't tell Dean, even now. Not that it mattered now anyway. Dean was here. Everything was fine. But he couldn't shake the uneasy feeling, which was still laying in the pit of his stomach. Something told him this was only the beginning.

Dean lifted his head. "You've got some food here?" Castiel couldn't help a light chuckle. This was so typically Dean.

"I think I've got some chocolate bar somewhere in my bag. Let me see." Reluctantly he let Dean free to search the depths of his bag. He felt Dean's gaze lingering on him and raised his head to smile softly at him.

"I'm sorry for-" Dean motioned at Castiel's tee shirt, stepping closer to the counter. Castiel looked down and just shrugged.

"It's nothing." He was curious what Dean brought to tears in the first place but he wouldn't push an answer. If Dean wanted to talk, he'd talk. Questioning him would be useless if he didn't want to tell him.

"Got it." Castiel hold a Mars triumphantly in the air before offering it to Dean. He was satisfied as he saw a tiny glimpse of a smile on Dean's lips. But it was vanished as soon as it appeared.

"You're a hero." Dean muffled through a bite. "I ran out of money yesterday. It's the first thing I've eaten all day."

"Let me go over to that coffee shop. I'll get you something."

"No, you don't need to. I'm fine. I've survived with less. It's all right, really." But Castiel didn't listen to him, he had already grabbed his jacket and was about to go out of the door.

"Wait here." His gaze stayed locked with Dean's for a couple of seconds before he added faintly, "Please, don't run away again. I can't-" He stopped himself with a shake of his head. "I'll be right back." Dean didn't say anything in response.

Castiel rushed into the shop, impatiently tapping his fingertips on the counter while he waited for his order and run out the same way he did as he entered. He was so afraid Dean would leave again that he couldn't think.

Relief drowned him when Castiel saw Dean sitting on a chair behind the counter. He was still there. Castiel closed his eyes and let out a sigh before opening the door.

"Okay, I got some sandwich, muffins and coffee." Never mind that he actually couldn't afford what it had cost him. Michael would kill him if he found out but Castiel didn't care.

"You didn't have to." Dean still appeared so lost. His eyes were blood-lined and carried a heaviness that Castiel couldn't bear to  look at.

"I wanted to. And I could really use a coffee, too." He handed Dean the food. The guy held his gaze a second longer, as if he was wondering if Castiel was serious. Then he opened the bag, taking the sandwich out.

"Thank you." It sounded so sincere, Castiel's heart clenched. Dean took a few bites before he talked again. "When I came home on Monday, there were cops at our house, a whole bunch of them. I didn't know what they were doing there, or maybe I just didn't want to allow myself to know it as I saw Sammy crying, and my father standing motionless in the background." He made a pause. Castiel could see in the way his breath shook, and his eyes closed that speaking steadily was costing Dean all of his strength. Castiel walked around the counter, pulled a chair beside Dean and then, slow and careful put his hand over Dean's. Dean squeezed it softly, appreciating the gesture.

"I saw her…" Another deep breath. "I saw her laying on the ground. My mum is… She's dead." A single tear slid down Dean's cheek. Castiel froze as the full impact of these words hit him. Emptiness was spreading out in his body before a dumb pain captivated his heart. Guiltily he had to admit that the sadness was more directed towards Dean than his mother. He hadn't known nor even talked to her.

Castiel wanted to do something but he didn't know what. He didn't know what Dean and he were at. Was he just here because he needed somebody to talk to? Or was it the food? Or was he here because he actually wanted to be here?

Castiel cursed himself selfish and impulsively reached out to hug Dean. It was an awkward half side hug but at least Dean responded immediately. When they separated again shortly after, Dean continued eating and Castiel let him, although he had a million questions on his mind. Dean needed some peace. Maybe they both did.

**________________________**

"I'll drive you home," Dean said as Castiel was closing the door to Zack's, his shift finally over.

"Are you going home, too?"

"No." Castiel turned around.

"Then I won't either. I'm staying with you." Dean's eyes widened before shifting away from Castiel's gaze.

"Cas… You… Don't let me ruin you." His voice was barely more than a whisper, nearly breaking at the end. Castiel had a hard time not showing his anxiety as he spoke. "Don't ever say something like that again. You're not ruining me." Dean didn't look convinced but he didn't protest.

"You're gonna come home with me," Castiel said. He walked around the car and sat down in the passenger seat. Dean didn't move for a moment, his gaze piercing through the window. Then he opened the door and seated himself beside Castiel.

"Are you sure that's okay? Your parents won't mind?"

Castiel laughed. "Don't worry, nobody's gonna care."

They drove in silence after that, only broken by Castiel giving directions.

And then, the moment had come. They stood in front of Castiel's house. He wanted to block Dean from inspecting it too much, but he didn't. It was time to be honest.

"Yeah, well." Castiel chuckled awkwardly. "Should we go in?"

"Sure." Dean grabbed a bag and followed Castiel to the door. Castiel hesitated, his hand hovering over the knob.

"Don't expect too much, okay? It's a bit… Just don't expect anything." He pushed the door open, immideatly becoming aware of every single flaw; the broken mirror, the dirty dishes on the living room table, the stains on the carpet and so forth.

But it was too late now to undo his decision. He just hoped none of his siblings would see them.

"Let's go upstairs," Castiel said while trying to determine where the voices came from. Kitchen was his guess, so he headed for the other staircase that began in the living room.

But he had just sat a foot on a stair as his name was called. Nobody could escape Michael. He sighed. "I'll be right back." He rushed into the kitchen, not wanting to leave Dean alone for too long. In fear he might notice any more flaws or (even worse) ran away again.

"What?" Castiel slithered into the kitchen.

"You got your payment today, didn't you?" Michael looked up at him from the stove, where he was preparing some meal.

"Oh, yeah. Here." Castiel handed him the envelop, which he had kept in his back pocket. He watched Michael count the money, his hand automatically going up to his eyebrow piercing.

"There're 20 dollar missing." Castiel racked his brain, trying to find a good excuse. "I needed some stuff for school," was all he could come up with.

"Okay, we've got the essentials covered now anyway." Castiel nodded and left Michael to his business.

He was relieved to see Dean exactly where he had left him. But his steps faltered as he noticed Naomi standing beside him.

"So, you're a friend of his?" She asked.

"I hope so." Dean's typical smirk didn't appear, even when he noticed Castiel had heard his answer.

"Okay, let's go." He nodded his head towards the stairs, signalizing Dean to go ahead.

"It's the last door on the left." As Dean entered the room, Castiel wished he'd be able to watch his face but all he could see was his back.

"You can have Balthazar's bed. He has a new girlfriend, so he spends most nights over at hers." Castiel motioned to the bed on the left. He dropped his bag on the ground as he let himself fall on to the bed.

"Thanks again."

**___________________________**

It was nearly midnight when Castiel turned the light off. Dean had been sleeping for about an hour. They hadn't talked much. Constant heaviness was seeping through every one of Dean's actions. Castiel figured it was similar to the tiredness that surrounded him from time to time and he didn't push conversation.

Just as he rested his head on the pillow, a soft voice broke the silence. "I want you to know that I regret kissing Lisa. I shouldn't have and I know this doesn't make up for it but… I'm sorry." Castiel didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything at all. But he fell asleep with a smile on his lips.


	15. Oh God, I've sinned - Oh, what a life (American Authors)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a short chapter but I didn't have the time to finish the second scene and I didn't want to cut it right in the middle. So, you're getting the first scene now and the second one hopefully somewhen during the week instead of next Monday. I can't promise anything though. But there are a lot of answers coming up next chapter, so stay tuned for that ;)

"Good morning," Dean said as Castiel turned around and slowly opened his eyes. Dean was still laying in bed, his face turned toward Castiel.

"Morning," Castiel mumbled. "How long have you been awake?"

"I don't know. But you look cute when you sleep." Dean smirked, which relieved Castiel more than anything he could have said.

"Ugh, shut up. Let's get something to eat."

"Okay." Dean slid out from the covers. A blush spread out on Castiel's cheeks. He had forgotten that Dean was only wearing boxers since he left the bag with his clothes in the car.

"Um, you can have one of my shirts if you want," Castiel mumbled, busy with looking anywhere else but Dean.

"I can just wear my shirt from yest- Actually, yes. That'd be nice." Castiel nodded, walked over to his drawer and searched for anything without holes in it. The only thing he found was a Batman shirt. He handed it over to Dean.

"I knew you had a thing for Batman." Dean smirked, referring to the time they went to a coffee shop together. Castiel chuckled.

"Come on now, I'm hungry." He was about to grab Dean's hand but he still didn't know where they stood, so he scratched his neck instead, covering up why he had raised his hand in the first place.

They strolled into the kitchen, where Naomi was sitting at the table, chewing on some toast.

"Where's everybody?" It was insanely quiet for a morning at the Novak's.

"Mic went out to pay the bills and Zach went after some asshole, who owed him money, with the others."

"He needs three men for this? Gotta be a strong dude." Castiel got two plates out of the cupboard. "Toast sounds good to you?"

"Sure." Dean grabbed two cups and purred some coffee into them, making himself a home. Castiel loved how easy he was. It made it way easier for him to relax and not freak out over the fact that Dean had actually spend the night at his house and was now standing in his fucking kitchen. And that all his lying and trying to hide this house from Dean was a waste of effort.

"Michael said you have to go grocery shopping today. Coupons and the list are  laying here." Castiel took some cheese out of the fridge (the only thing they had left that was somewhat edible) and held it up questioningly. Dean nodded in agreement. Castiel carried their plates to the table and sat down opposite of Naomi. Dean followed with their coffee.

"Michael can go himself if he wants something. He's out paying the bills anyway. Why doesn't he stop by the shop?"

Naomi shrugged. "I think he has work or something."

"Can't you go for me? Please. I owe you then." Naomi's gaze flicked between the two of them.

"You guys have something planned?"

"Have we?" Dean looked at him. Castiel had indeed thinking about something last night but he wasn't going to reveal anything. He didn't want Naomi to know about it.

"Just do it, please." She threw another suspicious glance at him.

"Okay, if you do the dishes tonight."

"Deal." Castiel took a bite of his toast, watching Naomi do the same. She was still peering at him through wary eyes.

"What's going on?" Naomi asked.

"Nothing?" What was she getting at?

"You're nervous. Why are you nervous?"

"I'm not nervous." Her gaze pointed down to his right hand, which was fiddling with the placemat. He instantly stopped, he hadn't even noticed he started in the first place.

"I'm not nervous," Castiel repeated. But Dean was mirroring Naomi now.

"You are," Dean said. He had put his toast down and was looking at him skeptically.

"I'm not, okay?" His voice was sharper than intended but he wasn't going to apologize for it.

"Whatever. I'm gonna go. Grocery shopping," Naomi emphasized the last words with a playful annoyed undertone.

"Have fun," Castiel answered just as ironically.

They were silent until they heard the door falling into its lock.

"It's me, isn't it? I'm making you uncomfortable, right?" Dean asked.

"Don't be an idiot." Castiel took his plate as well as Naomi's and put them in the sink.

"It's the truth," Dean said quietly. His eyes were carrying a sadness again Castiel couldn't deal with.

"No, it's not. Look, I've seen…" Castiel took a deep breath, pushing himself to say his next words. "I've seen your house. And I know this here is no comparison to it but I don't feel like apologizing for it either. It's where I come from and I-" Dean cut him off. "You think I'm judging your house?"

"Well, not just my house," Castiel mumbled.

"Cas, I don't give a damn where you come from." Dean stood up and walked over to Castiel, who was leaning against the counter. "You could live under a bridge or in a mansion and I wouldn't care. I'm not superficial." Castiel was tearing up. He had thought it mattered. He still thought so. But he never meant to insult Dean.

"I didn't mean it that way. It's just… Look at this. That cheese is the only thing we had. That shirt you're wearing is one of the few without holes. What have I to offer?" His voice quieted down to a whisper. His eyes looking at everything but Dean.

"So much more. It's not about the house, it's about the people in it. It's not about the shirts, it's about the people that wear it. And I haven't met any of your siblings other than Naomi but she's good. She has a good heart." Dean turned Castiel's chin to force him to look at him. "You're good, Cas. Hell, you're taking my breath away every time I look at you. And you're so much more than some house." Castiel melted right then and there. Dean's eyes were so full of affection that Castiel had to close his for a second.

"Fuck, Cas," Dean muttered. Before Castiel could look at him, he felt Dean's lips on his. He moaned quietly as he bent into the kiss, making Dean grind his hips against his. The kiss grew more and more passionate. One of Castiel's hand dug into Dean's hair, the other hold onto his neck, pressing him as close to him as possible. Everything else than Dean's lips was forgotten.

Until Castiel faintly heard someone coughing. Michael was standing in the doorframe, looking at them with one eyebrow raised. Castiel quickly pulled away from Dean. A blush was already spreading out on his cheeks. Dean didn't look less shocked either.

"Um…" Castiel started but Michael cut him off with a rapid hand motion. "I don't even want to know." He entered the kitchen. "You need to go grocery shopping. Didn't Naomi tell you?"

"She's going." Michael shot him another skeptical glare. "As long as it gets done, I don't care who does it."

 


	16. God bless us everyone, we're broken people living under a loaded gun - the Catalyst (Linkin Park)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it, guys! A trigger warning for this chapter though: mention of domestic abuse and homophobia.

After the awkward encounter with Michael, they got ready as fast as possible and hurried out of the house.

"Your keys," Castiel said and threw them over the car. Dean caught them with one hand and opened the door with the other. As they both sat down, they turned to look at each other and couldn't hold back the laughter. Dean threw his head back, hands on his stomach. Castiel bend over, steadying his head with his palms.

"I wish my dad was that chill," Dean said once their laughter had ebbed to a chuckle. Castiel was serious immediately, even though Dean had said it with a light voice.

"I met him the other day, you know."

"What? How did you meet him?"

"I was at your house. I was worried because you hadn't shown up in school and… he opened the door." Castiel shrugged, looking out of the window rather than at Dean, who's gaze seemed to be fixed on him.

"What did he say?"

"That you weren't at home." Dean didn't need to know the truth. Not after all he had been through. Although Castiel was certain he knew anyway.

Dean started the motor. Castiel told him the way since Dean still didn't know where they were headed. Apart from that, the ride was silent.

"Isn't this the forest from the day where you tried to get me to do my homework?" Dean asked, as he stopped the car right before the trees started to pile up.

"Yes," Castiel said, already on his way into the forest. "Come on, I wanna show you something."

"Alright, I'm coming." Dean had a smile back on his lips and Castiel couldn't be more glad to see it.

"Okay, maybe this is completely stupid but I wanted to show it to you because I spend half my life there and it's kind of important to me and I really like that space but don't expect too much because-"

"Cas, breathe," Dean laughed. He fell into pace beside Castiel, from time to time split from him by a tree.

"Sorry, it's just, it's a bit personal." And then they stood on the field. Castiel heard Dean stopping mid-walk and turned to look at him.

"You don't like it?"

"No, man. It's amazing. Wow. How come it's not used? In a city so crowded, you'd think they'd use every inch of space they can get." Dean took a couple steps in to the field.

"I don't know. All I know is that it's been keeping me sane ever since I found it." Castiel watched Dean absorbing the landscape. The million questions, which had floated around in his head all night, came back. But again, he didn't want to push Dean. So he just sat down and waited until Dean took the place beside him.

"I've always loved open spaces," Dean said, a light smile on his lips.

"Me too."

"Okay, ask. You've been sitting on your questions way too long." Castiel wanted to deny it at first, but they both knew he couldn't lie.

"Where have you been? You must have slept somewhere." Castiel looked at Dean but his gaze was fixed on the landscape instead.

"I was driving around. That's also where all my money went, gas. And I slept in the car. I've actually spend a night at the beach we've been to. Oh, you know why I took you out of town? So my dad wouldn't see us or anybody of his friends. I swear, he knows people everywhere. And guess what, somebody still saw us. The reason why I hadn't been to school the day after that, is my dad." Castiel took a moment to process the information he had gotten. He tried not to imagine Dean driving alone through the streets, living on fast food and sleeping in his car. Instead he focused on something else.

"But if you were hiding from your father that day, why didn't you come to the restaurant? You knew I was working there on Thursdays."

"I wasn't hiding. He grounded me." Castiel had a hard time believing Dean would let anybody ground him. Castiel's head tilted to the side. "And you let him?"

"Yeah." As Dean turned his head to finally look at Castiel, his eyes were filled with tears, sending a sting through Castiel's stomach. "You should have seen him. I came home and he was so drunk he could barely talk. But he was so angry, he started shouting some slurred words at me, chasing me through the house. Mom…" His voice broke. It took him some seconds to find the strength continue. "She tried to calm him down. He hit her. He had never hit _her_. And even though he apologized over and over again, it scared me enough to not sneak out." Castiel didn't know what to say. Not that he could even talk — a giant lump was stuck in his throat. Tears were up in his eyes threatening to spill. Although his father wasn't exactly dad of the year, he had never once in his life laid hand upon anybody in their household. (If leaving seven kids on their own was the better way of dealing with problems, was debatable. If there even was a 'better' way.)

"I'm sorry," Castiel croaked finally. It was all he managed to say despite he having so much more laying on his soul. But Dean understood. Dean always understood. He nodded. Castiel lunged forward and hugged him. Not just for Dean's sake but for his own as well.

They stayed like this for a couple of moments. Both of them trying to settle themselves. But no tears were shed and no words were spoken. When they pulled apart, their eyes were dry again. Their faces though, wore the shared nightmares visibly.

"So, this is where you spend all your time, huh?"

"Pretty much."

"I can imagine you sitting here and writing." Dean smiled. And Castiel smiled back.

**______________________**

The sun was already going down when they decided it was time to leave. Dean turned around one last time before he went into the forest right behind Castiel.

"Can I ask you another question?" Castiel asked. This was basically what he had done the last several hours. Asking questions. About everything that came to his mind, from favorite food to future plans. Everything.

"Shoot." Castiel chewed on his lip not really sure how to put it.

"Why did you cheat on me?" Castiel heard Dean stopping in his tracks. He turned around.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to-" Dean cut him off. "I'm the one who has to apologize. Oh God, Cas, I'm so sorry. I literally forgot. How … I'm so sorry." Dean shook his head, gaze on the ground.

"I forgive you. I just wanna know why."

"I wanted to soothe my dad. Word got around and when I came home, he wasn't completely drunk. He patted me on the shoulder and said 'good job' as if that was my greatest achievement." Castiel walked over to him, took his hand in his and said,

"You could have told me."

And with grieving eyes Dean looked at him and responded, "No."

"It was my burden to carry. I didn't want you to get dragged into this. Too many already were and still are."

Castiel nodded, although he wasn't sure he understood this time.

When they got back to the car, someone was leaning against it. Castiel recognized Dean's father immediately but it took him a second to notice their hands were still locked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to know your thoughts about all of this since quite a lot of questions have been answered now. So, leave a comment :)


	17. And how I hope to God he was worth it - Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off (Panic! at the Disco)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Homophobia and violence

Nobody moved. Nobody said anything. They just stared at each other. And then it was like a switch had been flipped.

Dean's father was swooping down on Dean, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt.

"What were you thinking, you stupid faggot?" He shouted, followed by various more insults. Dean let go of Castiel's hand but did nothing else.

"You're coming home with me, now! I'll teach you better. And you," for the first time he looked directly at Castiel, "stay away from my son or I can promise you, it'll not end happy."

"Are you threatening me, sir?" Castiel asked mockingly. He couldn't let Dean's father get away with this shit. He let go of Dean's shirt turning completely to him.

"Hell yes, I am. And you scum bag should be fucking careful with what you say before I beat your AIDS ass up."

"Go ahead, but Dean is not going anywhere. He's staying with me," Castiel said in place of Dean, who seemed unable to do anything.

"Oh yeah, I don't think so." The man grabbed Dean's arm dragging him along to the car with him.

"Stop," Castiel said with as much force in his voice as he could. It was enough to make them halt in their steps. Dean's father dropped his son's arm and came to walk directly in front of Castiel until their faces were only inches apart.

"Listen carefully faggot because I'm only gonna say this one more time, stay. Away. From. My. Son." He clearly intended to scare Castiel, bad for him Castiel had dealt with guys that were way worse.

"But his ass is so cute, how can I resist?" The smack hit his nose with a strength that made him stumble back a few steps. He quickly checked, if it was broken. But beside the blood dribbling out there was no damage done.

"Cas!" Dean came running towards him, finally snapped out of his trance.

"It's fine. It was weak punch." It hadn't been but Dean didn't need to know.

"Dad, I think it's better when you go. I can't… It's difficult for me to be at home right now."

"Then you don't need to come back. Ever." His voice was full of hatred. They watched as he turned around and walked away. Castiel waited till he couldn't hear them anymore. They had won, he didn't want him to return because of a snarky comment.

"I can't understand how you don't spit into his face every time he opens his mouth." He wiped the blood away with the back of his hand, spitting out the bit that had gotten into his mouth.

"He's my dad." Castiel didn't understand what Dean was trying to say but he wasn't gonna argue. It wasn't in his place to scold his father.

"Let's go home," Castiel said, forgetting that his house wasn't Dean's home.

**___________________________**

Dean was quiet on the ride home. Every one of Castiel's tries to start conversation ended in a deadlock. When they finally arrived, they went straight to Castiel's room and Dean fell on Balthazar's bed without another word.

Castiel didn't know what to say or what to do. He had brought some food up but Dean didn't touch it. And eventually Castiel decided it was the best, if he let Dean rest. So, he took his homework and started to catch up on school and everything he had only listened to half-heartedly during the days when Dean was gone.

Castiel was nearly finished with maths when Dean spoke. "You think she's out there? You think she's in heaven?"

Castiel thought about it. He settled on the truth. "I don't know. I hope so."

"She deserves it. I know I said I don't believe in God but I want to. I really want to. It'd make it so much easier."

"Maybe it wouldn't." Castiel put his homework aside, only focusing on the conversation now.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, if there's a heaven what does it change for us? We're still alive. You're still gonna miss her. And is a heaven really so much better than nothing?"

"She deserves to be happy."

"She was." Dean turned his head to him. "I'm not so sure."

"She was," Castiel repeated even though he wasn't sure. She had seemed happy the day he saw her but he knew well enough how well people could hide feelings.

"That's the easiest way. But she deserves to be happy forever."

"Why are you so sure she'd be in heaven? We don't know that place."

"Yeah, we don't." Dean's voice quieted down to a whisper.

"Do you have a charger?" Dean asked. He still hadn't moved from his bed.

"Um, I'll have a look." Castiel doubted anybody in this household had an iPhone charger but it was worth searching. "Give me a sec." He hurried out into the living room, where most of his siblings were sitting around watching TV.

"Does anyone have an iPhone charger?"

"Why would I have a charger if I don't even have a damn phone," Zach said.

"You can look in the drawer of the desk over there. Maybe you're lucky." Michael pointed to his left without lifting his gaze up. Castiel did exactly that. A million different wires were in there, forming one huge mess of cable. He doubt anybody knew what half of these were even for. But indeed. Between all the black chaos there was a white wire sticking out. Castiel grabbed it (which took a couple of minutes just unknot it from all the other cables) and ran back upstairs.

When he got into his room, he looked at an empty bed. Dean wasn't there. He was gone. He had used the charger as an excuse to buy time. He had left him again. He was gone.

"I don't wanna be greedy, but could I take a shower?" Castiel whirled around. Dean was standing in the doorframe of the bathroom. He didn't leave. Castiel sighed relieved.

"Sure, go ahead. It's fine."

"Thanks." One corner of Dean's mouth lifted up but it wasn't anywhere near a smile. He disappeared in the bathroom.

"Make sure you lock the door," Castiel yelled. "And I've got a charger!" Dean's face appeared again.

"Can you put it on my phone, please? I've left it in the room."

"Will do."

**____________________**

"What did he say?" Castiel asked as Dean entered the room again. He had called Sam because he had left about hundred messages on Dean's phone.

"It's hell at home. I need to go back."

"You can't go back." Castiel shook his head, standing up and walking over to the door frame, where Dean stood.

"I need to. Sammy needs me." His voice was strong even though his eyes told a different story. Oh, these wonderful green eyes.

"Please, be careful." He understood why Dean needed to go. He wanted to protect the people he loved. That's what he always wanted.

"I will." Dean bend down, placed both hands on the back of Castiel's neck and kissed. He kissed him like he never kissed him before. Passionate, soft and desperate. Castiel mold into him, his hands gripping Dean's waist. Dean's fingers were digging into his hair and he deepened the kiss. And if Castiel would have to describe it, he'd have said it became more hopeless. More like a farewell kiss than an until-tomorrow kiss.

 


	18. God only helps those who learn to help themselves - Preacher (One Republic)

Castiel was surprised when he saw Dean in the school's hallways on Monday. Although surprised couldn't really describe his feelings, relieved was more like it. Only as he met Dean at lunch he realized relieved didn't describe his feelings either.

Dean didn't smile when he sat down at their table, barely even greeted them. Castiel could only imagine what had happened yesterday, but it was enough to get him furious.

"You going with me to Charlie later? She came up to me before Chemistry, she wants to dye her hair. I'm gonna help her." Castiel smiled softly, hoping to cheer Dean up just the slightest bit.

"I don't know," Dean shrugged. "I'm not feeling it today."

"Oh, okay. Well, if you change your mind, we're gonna wait on the parking lot after school." But Castiel knew Dean wouldn't come. One look at him, the stubble on his jaw and the way he picked at the food, and Castiel knew that everything Dean was doing was an effort. He had to close his eyes for a brief moment because he remembered too well how it felt when every action was dragging you done and every step became a milestone.

"What color does she want?" Pamela asked.

"I think she said something about a more intense red, but we'll see."

"I wish I had blonde hair. You'd see me walking around with a rainbow on my head." Pamela sighed.

"Ugh, I wanna throw up just from imagining that," Crowley said.

"Oh, shut up, Crowley." Pamela rolled her eyes at him. And Castiel clinked out of their conversation, leaning down to Dean's ear. "Wanna get out of here?" He whispered. And for the first time that day, Dean actually _looked_  at Castiel.

"But what's with school?"

Castiel chuckled. "You're worried about school?"

"No, but you are. I don't wanna drag you into something."

"I'm glad when you do. I've been concerned about unnecessary things for way to long. I'm dressed like a punk and now I finally wanna behave like one."

"Back to the stereotypes, hm?" But a light smile had crept up Dean's lips, making his sentence lighthearted.

"Always." Castiel planted a quick kiss on those soft lips and got up, dragging Dean along. "Bye, guys." He managed to say before they were out of an audible distance. Dean and Castiel had talked quietly but maybe not quietly enough, judging by the smiles on their friends' faces.

"Okay, where should we go?" Castiel asked. Dean only shrugged.

"What about the forest?"

"Sure," Dean answered.

**_________________**

"Take your shoes off." Castiel's were already laying on the ground, his socks right beside them.

"What?" Dean's gaze flicked from Castiel's feet to his eyes.

"Take your shoes off."

"Yeah, I got that. But why on earth should I?"

"Therapy."

"Therapy," Dean repeated slowly. Castiel nodded and waited until Dean had obeyed his demand.

"You're even weirder than I thought." Dean tossed his stuff somewhere near Castiel's.

"But you love me." It was out of his mouth before he could stop it. And he was just getting ready to backtrack as Dean answered. "Hell yes." His gaze was so intense Castiel had to look away. But it was like his stare was burned into his soul, warming him from within. Castiel smiled lightly. "Hell yes," he repeated. And a rare smile spread out on Dean's lips. He understood that it was Castiel's version of an 'I love you too'.

Castiel reached out for Dean's hand but the other guy wasn't satisfied with just that. He pulled Castiel closer to his side, slinging an arm around his waist. For a moment neither of them said anything, they just there side by side, the mild sun shining down on them.

"I love the feel of grass beneath my feet. It, I don't know, reminds me that I'm still here, I guess."

"To be honest, it's just tickling my feet," Dean chuckled and Castiel joined him. It felt good, normal.

"Can I ask you a question?" Castiel asked when they had calmed down again.

"Shoot." Dean narrowed his eyes, not really knowing what to expect.

"Why are you always wearing that Beanie? You even wore it the other morning just for breakfast."

Dean shifted uncomfortable and finally sitting down on the ground. "I just don't like my hair, I guess."

"You don't like your hair?" Castiel couldn't believe it. Dean's hair was probably the most beautiful hair he had ever seen. It was as simple as that.

"Carol didn't like it either." Dean shrugged, avoiding eye contact.

"Who's Carol?"

"And old friend. Ex-girlfriend, to be precise."

Castiel got onto his knees beside him. With one hand he pulled off the beanie and the other brushed through Dean's hair.

"You're truly an idiot," he stated.

"Why?" Dean looked up at him but didn't try for a second to get his beanie back.

"Because you have nothing to be ashamed of," Castiel said bluntly. He crawled behind Dean, his legs stretched out around Dean. His fingers kept playing with Dean's hair even as he laid back into Castiel.

**__________________**

"I should've been there," Dean said after a while. His gaze fainted, not really focused on anything.

"You should've been where?"

"With mum. I could've stopped the thieves."

"Dean, it wasn't your fault. Don't blame yourself for it."

"You don't understand. I snuck out. I should've been home. Your God wanted me to stay home. And I didn't." He closed his eyes.

"No, Dean. I think, if my God wants something he gets it. It isn't anybody's fault that you weren't there. The thieves are the ones to blame," Castiel said, clinging to the new information he had gotten. He hugged him closer, an attempt to soothe him, reassure him it wasn't his fault.

"But I could've done something. I could've stopped it." Dean's voice was audibly heavy with guilt, Castiel's heart clenched at the sound of it.

"Dean, don't be an idiot," Castiel said in barely more than a whisper.

"I'm not being an idiot. It's the truth." Dean's tone matching Castiel's.

"Dean, don't. Please, don't do this to yourself."

"I'm not doing anything to myself, Cas. That's the fucking problem. Everybody around me gets hurt and I walk through the chaos without a scratch. It's like I'm the center of some hurricane."

"Okay, no. Look at me." Dean reluctantly turned around, partly because Castiel was pushing his shoulders, forcing him to move.

"Okay, and now look up." Dean obeyed. "What do you see?"

"The sky?" Dean wasn't really sure what Castiel was trying to get at.

"And now imagine some dude sitting behind a control panel watching your every move. And mine. And your brothers. And my brothers. And the millions and billions of people on the world, too. All at the same time. You think he's bothering about anything that happens? Supposing he is actually watching. Dean, he has seen _everything._  He could've stopped wars if he wanted. He didn't. Not that we know anyway. And you think he's gonna start with you? You didn't miss any signs, Dean. There wasn't anything to miss. It's a tragedy. _But there's nothing you could've done about it._ " After a quick pause he added, "And stop with the hurricane shit. You haven't messed my life up for sure." Dean only smiled at him. But it was a tired smile and Castiel couldn't tell, if Dean believed what he said. He hoped so. He really hoped so. He did.

Dean snuggled back into Castiel's chest again and with that their conversation was over. But Castiel's thoughts didn't shut up so easily. He tried to think of a way to cheer Dean up, to convince him that it wasn't his fault. But he couldn't come up with anything. And what stayed in the end, was just the heart-wrenching pain that Dean was blaming himself for something he had no control over.


	19. And oh by God she knows she's worth it - Benjamin Twine (George Ezra)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS 100 KUDOS!! You are insane! This made my day :3

Dean dropped Castiel off at school. On the one hand because he had to pick up Sam, on the other because Castiel was still meeting with Charlie.

"Hey," Charlie greeted him, stressing the vowel and pulled him into a tight hug. Castiel mumbled some 'Hello', too surprised to articulate himself properly. When she loosened her grip, he turned around to wave goodbye to Dean. He raised his hand in response.

"No kiss? And here I thought I was going to be witness of the cutest thing my eyes have seen in a long time."

"You know about Dean and I?" Had Dean told her?

"Honey, everybody who looks at you two knows. If you wanted to keep it a secret, you shouldn't stare at him like he's the world." Castiel was too bewildered to say anything but Charlie already moved on. "We have to walk to the drugstore. I hope that's no problem?"

"No, it's fine." He followed Charlie, walking on the outside of the pavement. His thoughts were circling over every interaction he ever had with Dean in school. Were they really being that obvious? Then again, did it matter? Now that Dean was back at home, it did. Dean hadn't said anything about his family reunion, but Castiel couldn't imagine his father greeting him with open arms. Castiel was torn. He knew it was better to leave Dean alone for his father's sake but he also didn't want to lose Dean, especially not when he made himself responsible for his mother's death.

"You think a dark red would be a good color?" She asked, distracting Castiel from his thoughts.

They kept talking about trivial things until they had reached their destination. Charlie was an easy person to speak to. Castiel liked that. It made conversations more effortless than usual.

______

"You gotta help me because if I need to pick one, we're gonna stay here forever." Charlie's gaze travelled over the rows and rows of hair dye. She grabbed some of the shelves only to put them back a second later.

"Okay, so, you still want red?"

"Yes," she said determined. "But look at this brown." She pointed at a package to her left as if it was the most beautiful color she had ever seen.

"Charlie, that's just a normal brown." Castiel was confused.

"Exactly! I never had a normal brown." Charlie sighed. "But oh, look at this. It's brown _and_ red." She snagged another hair dye from the shelves. Castiel only saw a warm red, no brown. "Or maybe I should go for something more colorful. Like the blue you have. Or purple. I always liked pink, though." Her babbling sparked an idea in Castiel. He could change the color of his strands, too. The hairline was getting way too visible anyway, so he'd need to dye his hair soon. And now that they were at it… "I think I'm gonna dye mine, too."

"Really? Oh, that's awesome! What do you want?"

"Hum." Castiel let his gaze travel over the color arrangements. One in particular caught his eye. A soft green but with the intensity of spring. This was his color. "This one." He grabbed a package along with some blonde because he needed to lighten the strands first, if he wanted the green to come out right.

"Oh, I like it. I bet it'll look stunning on you. Dean will be thrilled." She winked. Castiel rolled his eyes at her and mumbled, "Shut up."

"I think I should stick to my original plan. Otherwise I'm just gonna regret it," Charlie said, grabbing a package of red hair dye.

______

"Like this?" Charlie asked, while she put some hair dye on her hairline.

"Yeah, but make sure you cover everything. And massage it a little when you're done, so the dye gets everywhere." Castiel watched her actions in the mirror.

"Okay, got it." She nodded and continued smearing the stuff on her hair. Castiel started to separate the blue strands from the black madness with the help of Charlie's bobby pins. He made sure not to miss anything while he applied the blonde.

"I always knew you two would end up together," Charlie said.

"What?" Castiel furrowed his eyebrows.

"You and Dean. I always knew there was something going on."

"Always? But we weren't even friends when you first saw us."

"There were no words needed dude. Dean had the hots for you probably since he saw you at lunch one day." Castiel looked at her in the mirror, his hand hovering over a strand of hair.

"At lunch? We met in a music store."

"Oh." Charlie chuckled. "He didn't tell you."

"He didn't tell me what?" Castiel was getting really confused now.

"He wasn't accidentally at the music store." A grin spread out on Charlie's face but she didn't elaborate it further. Castiel thought about her words.

"He planned it?"

"Yep. He saw you at lunch but was too nervous to just walk up to you, so he asked Ash for help. They're in some lame class together. And that's how he found out where you work and went there." She shrugged.

"I think I'm done. Does this look right?" Castiel was too startled to pay attention and nodded automatically.

"Then hurry up," she said softly.

"Oh yes." Castiel shook his head shortly and raised a hand he didn't remember lowering, back to his hair.

______

"Okay, so what should we do while we wait? Have you seen Star Trek?" They had just finished drying their hair and admiring the new colors, when Charlie turned to Castiel looking at him seriously.

"Cas, I'm worried about Dean. I know he can take care of himself but he's too caught up in helping others to do so at the moment. And I don't know if he can escape that hell on his own right now. You have to help him."

"I want to. But how far can I go? I... I need him too. I don't wanna scare him away." Castiel's voice grew quieter with every word.

"Same. But when something seems more off than it already is, come to me okay? If he wants to push you away, I'll talk some sense into him. Because you're the best thing that could happen to him at this time." Castiel wasn't so sure about that.

___

The next day Dean wasn't in school. 


	20. What have we done, oh my God - It gets better (Fun.)

Castiel hated his job today. Most days he got along with it. He needed the money, complaining didn't help. But today he couldn't help himself.

"Can you hurry the fuck up, the people at table five are annoying me to death," Castiel said to the kitchen-chief. He only raised his pierced eyebrow in response.

Castiel sighed. "Sorry, rough day." Castiel turned away in embarrassment. His self-control was lacking ever since lunch when Dean hadn't shown up. A quiet foreshadowing had spread out in his mind. Charlie had confirmed it; Dean wasn't in school. Now the foreshadowing was screaming, giving him a headache and worries he couldn't handle. He wanted to get out of here, to search for Dean, make sure he was okay. But not only had Castiel a job to do, the chance of Ricky showing were high, too.

As if he had heard his thoughts, Ricky pushed the door open. After a quick glance to Castiel, he sat down in one of the booths. Castiel took a deep breath before walking over to him.

"Hey, what can I get for you?"

"Nice hair. Green suits you." Ricky grinned at him. "You like champagne?"

"Um, sure."

"Then I'd like a bottle of that, with two glasses." Castiel rushed off to get the only bottle of champagne the diner had. There weren't many people coming into a place like this ordering champagne, which only made him more curious as to what Ricky wanted to celebrate. Something considering Meg for sure. But they hadn't made any moves yet, so what was there?

"Here you go." Castiel placed the glasses on the table, his breathing slightly heavy. He popped the bottle and poured the liquid in both champagne flutes.

"What are we celebrating?" Castiel asked as Ricky raised his glass and motioned for him to sit down.

"What are we celebrating?" Castiel repeated after he obeyed Ricky's prompt.

"Meg will be history on Friday." Ricky's hand was still hovering in the air. Castiel clinked their glasses. "That's soon."

"Yeah, isn't that great? You're still on board, aren't you?" He tipped his head at Castiel's lack of excitement.

"Sure, of course. But I need your word that you'll leave me alone afterwards. Forever." A simple promise was more worth than any written word when it came from Ricky.

"You have my word. I won't bother you anymore after this. But if you ever wanna bother me, just call." He winked and took a sip of the champagne. "Ugh, cheap stuff."

Castiel's glance drifted off to the entrance. A couple was just coming in, so Castiel took a last sip of the actually pretty decent champagne and stood up. His gaze travelled over a person entering behind the couple. Dean.

"Dean?" Castiel hurried around the tables in the middle, he couldn't get to the other boy fast enough.

"Hi." A weak smile was laying on Dean's lips. He was back to his worn out self from Friday.

"Oh God. What happened? Sit down, I'll get you something to eat. You don't need to pay, just rest." Castiel guided him to a table in a shadowed corner, which had the most privacy this dinner could offer.

"It's fine. It's fine. I just needed to see you." Dean dropped down in the booth nevertheless.

"Give me a sec." Castiel rushed off to take care of the other customers as quickly as he could. He slipped an order for Dean between the other ones and returned to his table with a coke in his hand.

"I don't know what you wanted to drink. I hope this is okay."

"You didn't need to-" Castiel brushed him off. "They won't even notice it."

"Can you even sit here? Won't your boss notice it or something?" Dean asked, reluctantly taking a sip.

"Nah, I've got some time." Castiel wasn't so sure about that but he couldn't let Dean sit here alone, looking exhausted enough to sleep for a century.

"There isn't much to tell. I needed time to think." Dean shrugged, avoiding Castiel's gaze.

"Dean, you can't run away every time you need to think," he said softly. He hadn't even realized how much of an impact this worrying had on him but now it was evident. It seemed like he was only able to breathe around Dean; when he knew Dean was alright.

"I'm not running away." Dean's eyes were searching the ground of the glass as if he could find all the answers right there.

"What would you call it then?"

"Taking a break."

"But it doesn't feel like a break for me. Time doesn't stop for me. My life goes on, Dean. _I_  have to go on. And don't think I don't worry because that's what I did all fucking day. But I can't always sit around and wait for your return." Castiel realized how true these words were only as he spoke them.

"I never told you to worry," Dean snapped.

"Don't even start this, Dean."

"I'm sorry." He sighed.

"Don't apologize. It's alright. I understand. Just tell me the next time, okay?" Dean nodded. Castiel returned the gesture and got up from his place to do his job. He wasn't getting paid for nothing.

"Is that kid over there your lover?" Ricky asked the next time Castiel got near his table.

"You jealous?" Castiel continued wiping over ketchup stains without looking up at Ricky.

"Of that boy? Please, he's thinner than a stick. Either he's high as fuck or he got some serious shit. I can find better bang material everywhere."

He shot Ricky a glare, which was radiating anger. "Say one more word and you're out. I bet Meg will love to hear about your little plans."

"Especially if you're a part in it," Ricky shot back. Castiel only rolled his eyes, he didn't have time to deal with him.

"Come on, sit down, have another sip of the champagne."

"I'm working, Ricky." Castiel went to hide behind the counter, out of Ricky's reach. It was only a matter of time until he got mad, although he seemed oddly happy today. Probably because of the success the plan was promising to be. Castiel buried his doubts and carried a full tablet of drinks to the next table.

Some time passed until he had the chance to sit down with Dean again but there hadn't passed a second in which he hadn't checked on him.

"Here's some food. I thought I couldn't go wrong with a burger and fries," Castiel said as he put the plate down in front of Dean. The coke glass was empty.

"Thanks." Dean flashed another weak smile his way before taking a bite of the food.

"Charlie's hair turned out great."

"I can imagine if she had you as help. And you got some change, too. I like it." This smile reached his eyes, telling Castiel he had understood why it had to be green and no other color.

"My new favorite color." Castiel returned the grin before changing into a more serious tone. "Are you gonna go home today?"

"I don't know," Dean whispered.

"But you're coming to school tomorrow, right?"

"I… I don't know. I'll try."

"You know that you can stay at my place every time. Just drop by whenever you feel like it. You're welcome no matter when."

"Thanks," Dean mumbled. Castiel reached over to touch his hand but stopped midway. Ricky was probably watching them.

"Who's that man over there?" Dean asked.

"Ugh, don't even ask. He's one of the most annoying customers I've ever served. But he leaves good tips." Castiel shrugged. It seemed like Dean had another question about Ricky ready but if so, he didn't ask. Instead he continued nibbling at his burger.

They didn't speak much all afternoon and when the end of Castiel's shift came around, they went their own ways. It felt like they were alienating from each other but at the same time they never had been closer. It was weird. Castiel understood Dean; understood that he needed time alone. And he knew that if Dean wasn't in school tomorrow, he'd spend his day searching the streets.

No, it wasn't alienation driving them, rather a silent agreement to leave each other the space they both needed. But where was the line? When became a silent agreement alienation?  


	21. You will pray to the God that you've always denied - Dust Bowl Dance (Mumford & Sons)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, sorry. Hope Dean's perspective makes up for it :3

-Dean's POV-

 

The engine started with a loud purr as if it knew what Dean had in mind and this was its way to protest. It set off a chain of guilty thoughts. Could he really miss another day of school? Shouldn't he let Cas know he was okay? But was he even okay? Okay. What a stupid word. There was a whole list of stupid words in his mind. Okay was only the tip of the iceberg, closely followed by fine and alright.

Dean drove off the parking lot just before the first security people of the supermarket started their shift. And he'd end up here again when their work was over.

He didn't know where he was driving. He just took random turnings, wherever his feeling led him. That was part of the fun. Shifting gears and rock music kept him distracted. Driving time was the most bearable time of the day, except when he was with Cas. Which he'd be, if he just went to school. But it was like as though an invisible force held him back. He'd see his friends and Sammy and Cas, and he couldn't take their looks. He couldn't stand sitting through classes when it all seemed so pointless. Because what was he gonna become? No employer would hire him. He just wasn't good enough.

Dean turned the music louder. His thoughts grew quieter with every mile.

He eventually stopped the car in front of a forest his subconscious mind had driven him to. It was the one Castiel had showed him. He liked it, although he preferred the road as his safe haven. But he couldn't afford another stop at the gas station just yet.

Dean considered staying in the car but he got insane just thinking about it. He locked the door before he went into the woods. Had they gone straight ahead the last time? What did it matter, he just needed to move; to shut the thoughts out. So that's what he did. No looking behind, only walking forward, keeping an eye out for tripping hazards. Then he started running.

Soon he stumbled across the little clearing. He stumbled across the uneven grass and the sun burning everything within reach. He stumbled across a place where he couldn't outrun himself anymore.

Cas was right. There was something special about this land. But it wasn't just positive. It had been different with Castiel at his side. Now that he was here alone this was the scariest place he had seen in a while. There was nowhere to run.

He decided to stay. For a couple of moments he simply stood there at the edge of the forest, staring into the clearing. He saw everything and nothing at all. The birds were too loud and barely audible. The air was too warm and the breeze too cold.

Dean took a few steps, hesitantly setting one foot in front of the other. He stumbled on nothing. His knees hit the ground, hands forward to catch his fall. Dean squeezed his eyes shut. His fingers were digging into the grass. A scream so desperate and helpless it quietened the birds, was released into the early noon. Dean wanted to cry but there weren't any tears left.

He didn't move, only focused on his breathing. And when he finally sat up right, he lifted his face towards heaven and started something he never imagined himself doing — praying. He didn't know any traditional prayers but he didn't think they'd do much anyway. Those were used words, spoken by hundreds and thousands of people before him. If there was a God, why should he listen to words he already knew by heart? No, Dean didn't need traditional prayers. He needed forgiveness. And so he sat, telling God his story, begging for mercy.

A grumble of his stomach awoke him from his delusional state. Dean didn't know how long he had kneeled there but his legs made it feel like an eternity. He slowly stretched them out on the grass, hissing as the blood flood back into his veins.

But now that he had spoken all his thoughts out loud, there wasn't much left in him. He felt empty. And suddenly it was the most comfortable thing to sit on the ground. The food seemed so far away. He'd have to go all the way to his car and it just didn't seem worth it.

Dean laid down, the sun tickling him through the trees. Silence surrounding him. He must have fallen asleep because the next thing he remembered was that he ripped his eyes open, startled by the sound of someone calling his name. The sun was barely even there anymore.

"Here you are! Oh God, I searched everywhere. Are you okay?" Cas tilted his head to the side and looked down on Dean.

"I'm okay." He smiled. Stupid words didn't matter. Now with Cas he was okay or at least as okay as he could be. "Come on, sit down." The blue eyed boy seemed to estimate the truth of Dean's statement for a second before following his offer.

"You should come to my house. You can't sleep in that car. You'll get a never ending backache, if you continue like this." Dean laughed at his worries.

"You should try the back seat. It's not that bad. I can show you if you want." He winked at Castiel, smiling as a little blush crept up those beautiful cheeks.

To Dean's surprise Cas answered, "Later."

"Have you spend the whole day here?" Castiel asked, after a couple of seconds of stunned silence on Dean's behalf.

"I guess. What time is it?"

"I don't know. You're the one with the phone."

"Battery's dead." His phone had been another form of distraction as long as it lasted. Beating your latest Temple Run score could get really addictive.

"If you come with me, you could charge it." Castiel did one of his favorite gestures; he shrugged.

"I can't, Cas. There's no place for me. I don't wanna be a burden."

"You're not a burden, don't be silly. We'll find some place. And there's always the couch."

"It's fine. Don't worry about me." Castiel's gaze told Dean that he did it nevertheless. But he wasn't going with him. The truth was he couldn't stand a family like Castiel's. It all seemed so easy. He was afraid of getting caught up in a dream. But shouldn't he be more grateful for the family he had? They had a good, stable income, enough food and a health insurance. Who was he to complain? Just in case, he sent a quick apology God's way not even believing the words as he thought them.


	22. Why God died - A car, A torch, A death (Twenty One Pilots)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Since I don't want to spoil anything, I'm not gonna go into detail but basically if you're easily triggered don't read any of this. Because things get serious...

Castiel’s gaze was constantly lingering on the entrance. Dean had to come in every moment. He had promised him yesterday that he’d stop by. He had promised it. Sure Dean would keep a promise, wouldn’t he? Castiel was beginning to worry. But when did he not? Lately all he did was worrying. He didn’t like it. It felt too much out of his control. He wanted to help but he didn’t know how. So he fell back to useless worrying.

“Is everything alright, Sir? You want some more coffee?” The customer politely declined as Castiel heard the bell ring. He spun around. But it was just a group of kids entering. He sighed disappointedly. Behind the kids another person stepped into the restaurant. Eyes frantically searched for his. For a moment the chatter of people and the clattering of porcelain disappeared as Castiel was flooded with relief. Dean was standing there; unharmed. Then the restaurant was back to business and so was he. Castiel crossed the space between them within seconds. He wanted to reach out for Dean but something held him back.

Instead he just said, “Hi.”

“Hi.” No smile, no emotion. Dean’s eyes were restless, flicking from one point to another.

“You wanna sit? I’ll get you something to eat, too.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Castiel wasn’t sure Dean had even listened to what he had said. He gestured for Dean to follow him to a table at the back of the restaurant.

“What do you wanna drink?” Dean shrugged. Castiel drew in a trembling breath. He knew Dean was going through a lot at the moment, but he had thought it was going to get better with time. Now he wasn’t so certain anymore. And the worst part was that he didn’t know how to help him.

Castiel brought Dean a coke, burger and fries. He even offered apple pie but all his efforts were for nothing. Dean didn’t even touch the food. After one hour of watching him doing absolutely nothing, Castiel couldn’t take it anymore. He knew he was pushing him, but by God he needed it.

“You not eating anything?” Castiel slid in the booth across of Dean.

“I’m not really hungry.” Again, no eye contact. It had started so well.

Castiel took a deep breath, run his hands over his face and through his hair, and tried to find the right words for this conversation.

“Dean… What’s going on?” His voice was quiet, barely a whisper with an undertone that sorrowful didn’t even begin to describe.

“Nothing. I’m just not hungry.”

“Tell me what’s up with you. You can't…”

“I can’t what? I’m not hungry. How often do I have to say that?”

“It’s not just the food, Dean. You’ve been absent. God damn, you’re not even looking at me now! Where are you?”

“Here.”

“No, you’re not.” He shook his head, defeated. “Please, Dean. Don't… don’t do this to me.”

“You think this is about you? You think I’m trying to hurt you?” It wasn’t an accusation, a mere statement. “I don’t want to… I shouldn’t have come.” He closed his eyes.

“No, no. That’s not what I was saying. Please stay.” Castiel’s hands reached across the table but Dean was too far away. “Let me help you, please. Don’t lock me out. How about I just leave this? How about we go right now? Maybe to that clearing?”

“But you’ve got work. I don’t want you to get fired.” And for the first time since he had entered, Dean looked at him. And Castiel saw everything. Eternal agony and exhaustion had spread inside them. Castiel inhaled deeply. He knew it had been serious ever since Dean had broken down in his arms, while he was working his Friday shift at Zack’s. But this, this was a whole new level of serious.

“I don’t care.” And he meant it. He had been focused on his future his whole life, getting out of this shithole of a city, but - as cheesy as it sounded - he couldn’t imagine any of it without Dean.

Dean didn’t need words to show his gratitude as Castiel untied his apron and they stood up. He simply took Castiel’s hand and they walked out of the store; together. Hand in hand.

“Where were you today?” A question out of interest, not worry. But Dean just shrugged, which was barely visible considering they were laying on the ground. Castiel could understand him though. He had had days like this, where he didn’t feel like talking to anyone. He had felt isolated - excluded - but he had shut himself off. He had chosen that. He had chosen it because it made things easier. Because talking had felt too heavy on his shoulders, because sometimes he just couldn’t make the effort. Yeah, he had had days like that. But he had never experienced it at Dean’s rate. Never for multiple days, never with that much weightiness like the weight of living was making it impossible for him to stand. And needless to say, Castiel was clueless what he could do about it. He himself never did anything. He just prayed that the next day would be better.

So all he came up with was laying beside Dean quietly. To show him he was there, he’d always be. And then Castiel just started talking. About whatever came to his mind. “When I was little, Michael and I used to drive out to the beach and fly a kite whenever it was windy enough. It was a bright lemon yellow with purple stripes across it. And I loved it so much. I imagined what it was like… — flying. And I remember the day I finally got the kite to fly on my own without Michael’s help. Man, was I proud. I think I didn’t stop grinning for a whole week.” Castiel smiled at the memory.

“What happened to the kite?” Dean whispered.

“One day I let it go.”

Castiel continued with another story. He told Dean about his brightest memories, the usual ups and downs, and everything in between. But he left out anything that was painting his own life miserable, or himself for that matter. It was cowardly, yes. But he promised himself he’d tell Dean about those another time. So, they just laid there. Castiel told his stories and Dean listened. Every once in a while Dean would ask a question or comment on something but most of the time he remained quiet. Still, at the end he seemed almost relaxed, almost.

“I should go,” Dean said, while Castiel was just fishing for another story to tell him.

“Okay, where are we going?” Castiel sat up alongside Dean.

“No, _I_ need to go. I’ve got um… something to take care of.” He didn’t meet his gaze.

“Um… okay, sure. See you tomorrow?” Castiel didn’t want to let Dean go but he didn’t have much choice.

“Yeah, yeah. Bye.” With a small nod, Dean disappeared between the trees and left Castiel wondering what the fuck just happened. Had he done something wrong? Had he triggered something? But Castiel didn’t talk about his mother. That bit of his life belonged to the part he rather wouldn’t want Dean to know. What had gone wrong?

And suddenly Castiel wasn’t so sure he’d see Dean tomorrow, if he let him go now. A second later Castiel was on his feet and running into the forest.

But Dean was nowhere to be found.

During a restless night Castiel had decided it was best, if he talked to Sam about his brother. Maybe he knew how to help.

“Hey, Sam right?” He approached the young guy at his locker.

“Yes, nice to see you again, Castiel.” He smiled up at him.

“Listen, I’m, um, kinda worried about Dean.” Castiel awkwardly shifted the books in his hands around. How did you address a topic like this?

When Sam spoke again his voice was lower and the smile had vanished from his face. “Yeah, he doesn’t sleep at home anymore. I mean I can’t blame him, really. I just, I just wished he’d talk to me.”

“Can’t you convince him to come back? At least to come to school again,” where Castiel could have an eye on him. “You’re his brother. I know how much you mean to him.”

“I tried but he didn’t listen. And actually, I’d kinda hoped you’d talk to him.”

“Me?” Castiel asked in surprise, his eyebrows nearly touching his hairline. “Why would he talk to me?”

Sam chuckled as if Castiel was part of a joke he just wasn’t getting. “If he wants to talk, it’s gonna be with you. Trust me.” The faint smile that had been left from Sam’s laughter disappeared. “But I’m gonna try calling him again later. Not sure he’s gonna pick up, though. He didn’t answer any of my other ten thousand calls either but I suppose it’s worth a try.”

“Okay, good. He said, we’d see each other today but I don’t know. If he comes by, I’ll see what I can do but he didn’t say anything yesterday, either.”

“Maybe he just needs space.” Sam shrugged. But neither of them seemed convinced.

At the end of the day Castiel hadn’t even finished one chapter of the book he was currently reading. Probably because he was glancing at the door after every word he read. Probably.

And now that his shift was over he didn’t know where to go. Dean knew where he lived, but what if he came by the store and Castiel wasn’t there?

“You didn’t forget about me, did you?” A voice behind him asked. Ricky. Castiel cursed under his breath. He had totally forgotten about him. The stupid plan was meant to be executed tonight. Fuck.

“Of course not. How could I?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“Come on, boy. We’ve got stuff to do.” A quick glance over his shoulder told Castiel that Ricky was still standing in the entrance, ready to go. He sighed, grabbed his bag and walked over to him.

“Then let’s go.” Ricky got into the car, while Castiel locked the door.

“How’s her reputation?” Castiel asked as he fell into the passenger seat.

“As low as I could get it. Any of my allies has been spreading rumors and what can I say, it worked. Business is running as poor as my fucking grandma. And she’s paraplegic.” Ricky was grinning ever so slightly. Part one of their plan — destroy Meg’s reputation — had been successful then. Now they were on their way right to her office, the second part of the plan ready to be executed. But Castiel didn’t feel anything, no excitement or anticipation, no satisfaction. He just wanted this to be over as quickly as possible so he could go to the forest. Since Dean hadn’t shown up at his work place, he had to be there. He had to be. What if he was leaving, though? What if Castiel took to long and Dean wasn’t there anymore when he showed up? Should he just cancel this damn plan? Ricky could pull this off without his help. Castiel was just here to save his own life, to make sure they wouldn’t come after him again. But Dean was in a bad condition. If it were otherwise, he’d have shown up at the store.

“You prepared? I really hope you don’t fuck this up. I swear to God if you fuck this up, I’ll — ”

“I won’t.” Castiel had made a decision. He’d hurry up with this shit as much as possible and be at the forest in no time.

“Okay, we’re here.” Ricky turned off the engine and said a last encouraging sentence to Castiel. “Don’t fuck this up.” The other one just sighed and followed him through the backdoor. The run down building and shady alley were a good deterrent for anyone that shouldn’t be lurking around, but Castiel had spend his childhood in side streets like this.

He followed Ricky through a corridor into a room that crashed all of his expectations. The center was a huge, old-fashioned wooden desk. Beneath it laid a rug right out of the  ** V ** ictorian area. Paintings were decorating the walls, alongside a couple of shelves. If Ricky hadn’t led the way, Castiel would never have guess that this was Meg’s office. But then, maybe it didn’t really belong to her. She could’ve just taken it from whoever lived in here before.

“Oh look at you. Who’d have thought that green suited you?” Meg stood up from her chair, the dim light giving her smile a wicked touch and making it seem more like a mask than anything. Castiel subconsciously reached a hand up to his hair, to what she was referring to.

“I’m just as surprised as you are.” Castiel raised the corners of his mouth — not particular a smile either.

“Ah, how I missed your charm. So, you ready to get back into business, honey?”

“Actually,” Castiel shot a quick glance to Ricky. This was the stupidest plan ever. How could they ever have thought offering her another business would be enough? This was a clown’s act. But it was too late to back out. “I’ve got an offer for you.”

“I thought women weren’t your type.” She raised her eyebrows suggestively. Castiel ignored her.

“I know you’re doing bad **ly**. This thing will go to hell and will drag you along with it. But what if I offer you something better?”

Meg filled the room with laughter. “Oh honey, I already am in hell. And what have you to offer to me? You haven’t even finished high school.” A piercing shot went through the air. Meg was no longer smiling. Her wide eyes travelled to something behind Castiel. Then she collapsed. Onto the wonderful, wooden desk.

Castiel stood there. He knew what had happened but his mind didn’t want to accept it. He hadn’t agreed to this. He hadn’t — “WHAT THE FUCK, RICKY?” He spun around quickly.

“Hey, you think she’d have given in? That was a nice try, kid, but let’s be real, you’re lacking some skill. And you really think I’d need you for this? Man, the only thing I need is someone who will keep quiet when we’re hiding the body. Talking was never my plan.” Ricky chuckled. Castiel shook his head.

“Forget it. I’m out.”

“Oh, I don’t think you are. You left fingerprints all over the place and how tragic would it be, if I had to tell the police about your backstory. Or tell them to stop by at your home? No, you’re gonna help me carry that damn body to the car.” Castiel closed his eyes. He had no choice. If he didn’t want the CPS to ring his doorbell, he’d help. Silently he walked over to her feet.

They didn’t talk on the ride. Castiel’s heart was beating so loud he could hear nothing else. He was gonna bury a body. This was complicity in murder. How did he end up here? Where did he go wrong? If anyone ever found out about this… He could forget university. He could forget his life. He’d never get out of this shithole. No! Castiel silenced his worries. No one would ever find out. It was safe to assume this wasn’t Ricky’s first murder. He had always been a man that took care of things himself as opposed to letting others do that for him. Some stupid self-sufficiency complex probably. Ricky knew what he was doing. They wouldn’t leave a clue behind. Nobody would find out.

Ricky knew indeed what he was doing because no five minutes later, they parked in front of a crematory. Although this time, there was no alley to shield nosy people from seeing things they weren’t supposed to see.

“And how exactly do you intend do get the body inside the crematory?”

“How about we carry it, smartass?” Ricky was out of the car before Castiel could protest. He followed him.

“There are people here,” Castiel hissed.

“They’re taken care of.” Castiel didn’t ask further, the less he knew the better. Silently he took Meg’s feet again and they hauled her into the crematory. A strange smell of ash and rotten flesh surrounded them the moment they entered.

“Ah, there you are. Took longer than expected. I was beginning to think that little boy succeeded. Man, that would’ve been something for a comedy show. Come on, come on. This way. Everything is ready, this should be over in no time. I need to get home before 8 or my wife is gonna freak out again. You know how women are, crazy, crazy. But you gotta love ‘em, am I right? Okay, just put the body on here.” The man was talking so much Castiel could hardly follow. And he was surprisingly young and with his chestnut brown hair and the strong jawline he didn’t look too bad either.

“You still with that polish chick?” Ricky asked.

“Yeah, she’s gold. Every time —” Castiel didn’t even try to pay attention after that. They put the body on a metal table, where the guy went straight to work. Castiel averted his gaze as he saw the first tooth be yanked out. This would haunt him forever. He just wanted out of here.

“Can’t I go now?” Castiel crossed his arms.

“If you wanna walk, sure. Might take a good while though,” Ricky went back to his “conversation” with that weird guy.

And sadly he was right. If Castiel added the time they drove to Meg to the time they needed to get to the crematory… 45 minutes. And if they needed 45 minutes with a car it’d take him at least double the time to get home. No, he had to wait.

With a sigh he slid down the wall and closed his eyes. “How long is this gonna take?”

“About an hour. Some bodies burn quicker than others and she’s in good shape. She’ll be a quick burn. You know sometimes -” An hour. Good God. An hour alone with his thoughts while waiting for a body to burn. A body that not even an hour ago had been very much alive. A body that he had helped carry into a car trunk. Castiel shivered. And then he started praying for God’s forgiveness.

By the time he arrived at the forest, the world had gone dark. Castiel felt his pace picking up the closer he got to the little clearing. Eventually, he  ** ran ** run. But as he stumbled into the expanse Dean wasn’t there. Castiel fell on his knees, hands digging into the grass. He hastily inhaled. He couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. But he couldn’t really breathe. Dean wasn’t here. And Castiel knew that meant he wouldn’t see him today. Had he made the wrong decision? Should he have abandoned that idiotic plan? Would it have made a difference? Maybe Dean had never been here. Or maybe he had.

Castiel looked up, his breathing more steady. His gaze drifted over the trees, a little bird singing his tune, and eventually over the grass. At first he didn’t pay attention to it, but then he  _ saw _ . Right in the middle of the clearing was a flattened patch of grass as if someone had been laying there not long ago. Dean. It had to be Dean. Castiel exhaled, eyes closing. Relief flooded through him with a thought he had tried to keep out - Dean was  _ alive _ .

______________

Castiel spent the entire next day in the forest. And the day after that. On Monday and Tuesday he came there as soon as possible. Wednesday he skipped school and stayed in the forest. Every free minute he had he was there. But never, not once, did he meet Dean. It was as if he had disappeared completely.

On Thursday worry ate him empty. He begged God for help, tears streaming down his face. But nothing came.

Friday went by in  ** a  ** blur. Until Castiel saw the Impala standing in front of the forest. He had never run so fast in his entire life. Dean was laying in the middle of the clearing. Dean. But something was off. The birds were quiet.

Dean had vanished.


	23. Offer me that deathless death - Take me to Church (Hozier)

Castiel took careful steps towards Dean's body. His hands were trembling as he fell down beside him.

"Dean?" Castiel whispered. But there was no response. There never would be. He stretched his hand out, fingertips brushing over Dean's cheek. His skin was still warm. And because Castiel was aware that this might be the last chance to say goodbye, he leaned down and pressed a kiss on his forehead. A kiss that said everything. Most importantly it begged for forgiveness, half an hour earlier he might have been able to stop it. Maybe if he had just skipped school; if he had been here last Friday, maybe it would have been different.

The kiss was expressing everything Castiel never had said. Everything he had been too afraid to talk about. For every single one of those memories he didn't share with Dean.

The kiss was for love.

As Castiel lifted his head again, tears fell down his cheeks onto Dean's shirt. He closed his eyes. He'd have to call the cops. But he didn't have a phone… Maybe if he had had one… Would it have helped? Would Dean have called? Sobs ripped through his body like waves and he buried his face in his hands, trying to shield himself from reality.

A whole while later Castiel remembered that Dean had had a phone. Carefully he glided his hand into his pockets and pulled out an iPhone. It took him another minute to realize that he didn't need the passcode to make an emergency call. And another minute to finally press the green button.

After Castiel had told the lady everything she needed to know and hung up, he slowly put the phone down. His gaze travelled over Dean's body. He was calm now. Maybe that was why he noticed the black letter peeking out of Dean's V-neck. Castiel furrowed his eyebrows. He brushed the T-Shirt further away and what appeared beneath it made him gasp. In curved, curlicued letters, right above his heart, it said, "Mum, Sam, Cas". All written beneath each other. Castiel wanted to cry but he didn't have any tears left.

He was still staring at the tattoo when the police came.

**____________________**

Somehow, the days blended into one another. When he woke up in the morning he couldn't remember what date it was. And it didn't matter. Nothing really mattered. He felt like he wasn't in his own body anymore, rather like someone had taken control over his actions. At least that someone kept him alive, while Castiel's mind slept all day long.

He found himself going to the forest a couple times after Dean but it wasn't the same. The place had lost something. Castiel didn't know what he once liked about it. It was a clearing like any other. No God connection. God had never been there. His hope had. But that had been buried there along with something far deeper.

To say it outright, he didn't want to live anymore. But at the same time he didn't want to die. He lived in a horrible in between state where he just existed. He didn't mind.

He didn't mind anything anymore.

It was peaceful.

Empty.

Life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys. I'd really, really appreciate a feedback since I'm quite insecure about the story (and the end, and all my writing tbh) so yeah, if you have anything to say it'd be nice if you left it in the comment section :p don't mind critic too btw. But yeah, onto the people who helped me a lot with this story, a huge shoutout to my two beta readers, who did a wonderful job at correcting my brain farts ;D - Chan (ad-astra-castiel) & Rosie (balthabazar). Another huge thanks to ItWasTaylor, thatwriterlady & Tiffany for leaving all those kind words that really helped me continue this story and not abandon it somewhere along the way haha  
> And thanks to every single one of you who took the time to read all of this. It's nice to know that I'm not just writing into a void without anyone paying attention to it :p
> 
> Also!!! I'll be publishing a new story soon! It's a Road Trip AU and Castiel is an ass and ugh, I'm so excited about it! The first chapter will probably be up at the end of the month but you know, you could also subscribe to me to be notified ;D Anyway, I hope to see you there! Bye


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